Thank you all for your supportive words and for holding space for me with such understanding. It truly means the world to me. Here, in this community, I’ve felt a sense of validation and acceptance that I haven’t experienced in my real life in Germany. The comments have been so affirming, acknowledging my situation without trying to change or fix anything, which is such a rare gift. I appreciate every one of you deeply.
Unfortunately, after a long day in Hannover today, I met with my one friend and some acquaintances, and the entire evening was a stark contrast to the support I’ve received here. Despite the praise, I was subjected to every communication barrier that I’ve shared with you all this afternoon. It was exhausting and unsupportive, filled with questioning and invalidation of my well-thought-out, even psychiatrically supported, decision to heal outside of this country. They even questioned the validity of this choice, which is unfortunately typical of the response I’ve encountered in Germany. This is exactly why I’m leaving. I don’t need advice or blessings from people who cannot truly understand the depth of what I’ve experienced, especially when they question the very decision that is my path to healing. It’s made me angry, but also relieved, knowing that this chapter, too, is coming to a close. I’m grateful that I have this space where I can speak my truth without being undermined. Thank you all again for your kindness and support.
Just connected. Love Canada anyway. My first, second try to get away was to Canada, first High School Year, than Au Pair. I made it in 1988 to Montreal for French Language school though. Loved it. Returned 2002 for three weeks road trip with my late partner and drank the most delicious Travigne Rosé (a cuvée with some experimental grapes) by Inniskillin Wines ever of with I still have the original bottle.
Mesa. A place that holds its own against time, against loss, against everything that tried to shape it into something else.
Your words reach me like wind across open stone—recognition, breath, the quiet echo of something once heavy now lifting. Yes. The pain, and yes, the freedom. The way leaving doesn’t just mean going but becoming.
Thank you for seeing the whole of it—the ache, the escape, the home found within. I feel that love, and I send it right back. 🩵
I am sorry that your country is going down a similar path to my own. I’ve never felt truly at home here either… but then I am not at all sure I’ll feel at home anywhere. I wish that all of us that are unwelcome in our own countries could just build our own… good luck in all of your endeavors, my friend. 🖤
Thank you, Jules. I’ve felt that same disconnect, a deep knowing that I’ve never truly belonged here, not in this country, not in the places I’ve lived. The call to leave, to follow what’s been inside me since 1982, has always been there, even when it was buried under layers of conditioning and trauma. Every time I’ve traveled far abroad, something within me was awakened—reminded of a path I could never fully follow until now.
But here, in this place, I’ve had to face and resolve so much of what was instilled in me—by my parents, by society. Leaving this space, this history, is already a form of liberation, a step toward something that feels more like me. Despite living in big cities like Hamburg and Cologne, I never felt like I found my tribe, never felt the belonging I so desperately sought.
I hear you on not feeling at home anywhere. Maybe it’s not about one place, but about creating a sense of home within ourselves, or with others who understand the journey. I don’t know what the future holds, but I’m following the call that has always been there. Thank you for your well wishes—they mean more than you know. 🖤
Thank you, Armand. I appreciate your understanding and your words of support.
It’s a strange feeling to let go of something that’s been so ingrained, even when it feels toxic and suffocating. Denmark might be a consideration, but the decision is so much more than geography—it’s about finding a space where I can breathe freely, where I might find finally my tribe, without the weight of a history that doesn’t align with who I am.
Denmark has never truly called to me. My heart has always been drawn to countries beyond Europe.
And yes, as crazy as it might seem, I’ve felt for years that my intuition is guiding me toward North America (or Oceania). Since 1982, that pull has been persistent. More recently, I've also found a calling for South Africa.
These are the directions I’m looking to, trusting whatever serendipity may bring.
I hear you on the ideological shift, and it’s terrifying to see how quickly things can escalate. I’m doing my best to stay grounded in my truth and to keep sharing my voice, wherever that leads.
I’ve worn many hats and mastered many roles along the way, and I’m open to exploring any of them, not exclusively. Your support means more than I can express.
The times ahead are not easy and yes they are scary. Because there will be no place to truly return to left when I leave, no house, no apartment, just a bunch of things in a cellar waiting to be called forward If I am able to find a new home.
And all that with next to no money, building a new life at 58 from almost Zero in a different country. And yes I am curious and I felt, it is the only way to truly heal myself from the wounds of the past.
Thank you, Gloria. It’s been a hard realization, but I know in my bones that it’s the right choice. Sometimes, letting go is the only way to finally feel the space to breathe and reclaim what’s been lost. I’m learning to love myself through the process, even in its messy, painful parts.
It is so interesting, that reading your words, it brings back that visceral memory of feeling like a foreigner in my own skin, when I was in my hometown. And then, no matter where I moved to, there's the same feeling. I can't say enough how I resonate with your sentiments in this poem.
Sometimes, a country and its culture can be so toxic, that healing would be impossible if one stays. It's like staying in a toxic relationship with an abuser. So I supportive your choice to find healing elsewhere. Where might you be moving, if you don't mind me asking?
I love this one Jay. The emotion behind it, the message. Sometimes leaving a partner, a job, a frienship or a country is the only and the best option. It's also an option that takes extreme amounts of courage, but that can be expected from the Wild Lioness :)
Thank you so much, Miguel. Your words mean a great deal to me—deeply felt and sincerely appreciated. You're right: sometimes the bravest, kindest thing we can do for ourselves is walk away. From a partner, a job, a friendship, even a country. Not out of weakness, but out of an unwillingness to keep shrinking.
I love how you named that kind of leaving for what it is—an act of courage. And calling on the Wild Lioness… that made me smile. There’s something powerful about being seen in that way: not as someone escaping, but as someone reclaiming.
Thank you for reading with your heart, for honoring the emotion behind the words. I’m grateful we’re connected on this journey—and grateful for your own voice in the pride.
Jay, I admire your courage and your ability to turn suffering into poetry. I wish you to find a place where you truly belong and can share all your love!
Thank you, Emanuela. Your words mean so much to me. Turning suffering into poetry has been a way to make sense of it, and to feel heard. I truly hope that the place I’m seeking is one where I can finally belong, and share all the love and energy I’ve always wanted to give. Thank you for wishing that for me—it’s a beautiful gift.
Thank you for sharing this beautiful poem. I could see myself in it too. I have never felt at home here, and my heart always longs to belong. I don't want to just feel like I am surviving, or making my way through the days, but truly living.
Thank you, Christine. I’m so glad the poem resonated with you. The longing to truly live, not just survive, is something I deeply relate to. It’s a journey of seeking a place where we can feel seen, heard, and able to be fully ourselves—where belonging is not just a hope, but a reality. I can feel that same yearning in your words, and I truly hope we both find the space to not just exist, but to thrive.
Beautiful poem Jay! I completely resonated with, "it forces me to exist only in fragments. A piece here, a piece there, but never the whole of me." AND "I work not for survival, but to feed a machine that consumes, and then spits out its victims." This speaks to the dysfunction of our government and the conservative patriarchy that has its grip here. I assume your speaking about the US. But I will say this "land" is some of the most beautiful country I have ever seen, as I let my feet rest on it and feel its power.
Thank you, Julie. I’m glad the poem resonated with you. The feeling of existing only in fragments—of being reduced to parts of myself—is something that was deeply ingrained, and I can see how that connects with the larger systems of dysfunction and control we face. While I was reflecting on my own experiences in Germany (being German), I agree that this pattern is visible in many places, including the US.
However, the land itself—its beauty and power—still carries a kind of energy, one that can be felt even amid the dysfunction. My reflection is more about society, largely shaped by a dominant population intent on oppressing and exploiting a non-dominant one. Unfortunately, if we examine closely, you might find that many traits aligning with the expression of Germanic characteristics over centuries are very prevalent in what is happening in the US. Yet, that was not always the case to this extent. All the main players in the US do have Germanic roots.
I think we all carry that tension, trying to find our place in a world that often demands too much, while still yearning for the connection and peace that the land offers.
Thank you, Megan. Acknowledging the heartbreak has been a crucial part of this journey, and honoring it is what helps me move towards healing and wholeness. Your words offer a sense of peace and validation, and I’m grateful for that. 🙏
As I reflect still more on your descriptive poem, at this time, I think Canada, as other people have suggested, could be a wise choice. The scale of change is beyond whatvivhavevseen most often, but I have known good people who have changed countries and made new lives. I wish I could know more about the lives of my ancestors who made big changes by immigrating.
I would like to have visited more, about conditions before my time, with a much loved person who made her new life near us, but as a child, I only knew what a wonderful person she was and that the change had been made through various hard, brave, and necessary steps. It took her many years to locate her mother. I am honored that I got to meet the mother when she visited the family. Because of my young age and the language difference, I did not communicate with her mother/grandmother,,but it was a special time, and I wish I had been astute enough in those early years to have found a way. I am forever proud of our now late friend, who made her escape, and lived a life of encouragement, wisdom, and caring in her new found home. She spoke a number of languages. If I had realized at the time, I could have communicated with the mother who visited at times. I know it was a precious time for their family, and I remain thankful to have been included when she came. Our friend made a happy difference in many lives. I hope she was as happy as she made many of us. I also can appreciate the challenges and the fact that there was much to miss for her and for other people I knew who had made changes in a country of choice for their home.
There are so many good people everywhere, and I wish comfort and reasons for joys for everyone according to their needs.
Thank you for your thoughtful response, JP4M. I really appreciate your reflections on the process of starting anew, and I can relate deeply to the complexity of such a transition. Right now, I’m focused on the many practical steps that need to be sorted out—like dealing with the bankruptcy of the company, paying off debts, selling my house, and taking care of paperwork. There’s still so much to be done before I can even start to think seriously about where to go.
As for where, Canada has been mentioned. While it might seem like an option, the visa process for Canada currently looks to be one of the most difficult to navigate. To make it possible, I would need a job offer that cannot be fulfilled by a Canadian citizen, or met a Canadian love of my life who actually might consider marrying me, which makes it quite a complex path to pursue.
Your story about your friend, her brave escape, and the life she built in a new land is inspiring. It reminds me of how transformative such journeys can be. While I’m still in the early stages of figuring out my next steps, I hold onto the belief that, no matter where, the challenges will bring growth and, ultimately, a chance to start anew.
I too believe there are good people everywhere, and I appreciate your thoughtful wish for comfort and joy for those on similar paths. Thank you for sharing your reflections with me—it means a lot.
You’re welcome, Jay. Thank you for sharing. You have so much to deal with and do that are beyond my scope, although I do realize that on a smaller scale, and for those of us who probably are much older than you are, okay definitely since we are in retirement, changes were still challenging, tough steps, or tough in that they simply were individual hurdles to be met and checked off a list. Several of us look out for each other by keeping in touch, listening, and just reflecting on good things if needed.
I hope all your needs will be met as you take each step that fits your situation. The progress and the passage of time seem to help in healing for some of us. Knowing other people care means a lot. I also know that there are some people who might not understand. It’s okay since we know not everybody can relate to a situation different from what they know, but for me, and for a number of people, I know time has past, we all care and always will, and we celebrate everybody’s successes by being happy for them as each step is taken.
One person worked especially hard at finding a new home. Certain needs had to be met, and eventually, at a time least expected, the right situation appeared. I know all situations are different in various ways, but I hope all works well for you.
You know so much I do not know, and my mention of Canada was only because I cannot think of anywhere else where a lot of problems some of us face are not being experienced there. Obviously, you have checked on more than I know or even know how to check. Best wishes to you!
JP4M, your kindness and thoughtfulness really come through, and I appreciate the time you took to share your reflections.
As a German, I see some things differently from what might seem obvious from an American perspective—like the idea of just moving to Canada. Our average income is about 51 cents to every US dollar, which completely shifts what’s feasible. When I hear about $5 eggs in the US, I compare that to our €4 eggs, which actually cost me nearly twice the work time to afford. If my disability pension gets approved, I’ll likely have around $1,600 per month to live on, and that wouldn’t be enough for the US or Canada, given the similar cost levels. That’s why I’m looking at other places where I could actually sustain myself—where I can regain stability without constantly struggling to afford the basics.
Right now, everything feels like an avalanche. So much is unraveling at once, and I’m in a near-constant effort to regulate myself from trauma triggers, often without much support beyond my therapy sessions. This week alone, it’s been an hourly process just to stay grounded. Avoiding re-traumatization is a priority, as is keeping my agency intact. I need to find a way through this that allows for an orderly and feasible time frame—one that accounts for my mental and physical health—so I don’t suddenly end up without accommodation, facing homelessness.
I know you mentioned Canada with good intentions, and don’t get me wrong—I’d love to live there. Yet immigration is complicated, and while I’m looking into different possibilities, my focus right now has to be on what’s directly in front of me: sorting out the bankruptcy, paying off debts, selling my house, handling endless paperwork, and getting my disability pension through. On top of that, I’m waiting for a place in a five-week medical rehabilitation program, which isn’t optional and, from what I can tell, is coming at the worst possible time. Meanwhile, my colleague is pressuring me to rush ahead with the insolvency instead of allowing for an orderly solution after my rehabilitation, putting me under massive stress in the process.
And whiile this is unravelling I am also trying to sort out my future and seriously consider my next steps.
Your reflections on the resilience of those who have started over mean a lot. Finding a way through, step by step, while holding onto what’s necessary for survival—there’s so much in that.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me. It makes a real difference.
I am so glad those thoughts can be of help. There is a song that just popped into my head, and although I am sure you are planning and keeping a calendar more detailed than any detailed lists or calendars I have had, and there have been many, I will share the title in case you find it helpful. It is “One Day at a Time”. I think there are varied versions of it.
Recently vision has become a great challenge and concern. As a result, I will not be trying to read as much as I want and as much as I have tried to keep up with on the phone. There are many goals and needs to be met, and seeing here will not improve, I have learned. Meanwhile, please know that I will keep hoping the best for you, despite my necessary limitations. Thank you for your kind words and all you have shared, Jay. I wish the best for you and for everyone of us.
JP4M, I truly appreciate your kindness and the way you take the time to connect. One Day at a Time is a good reminder—there’s only so much that can be tackled at once, no matter how much urgency looms.
I’m sorry to hear about your vision challenges. That’s a heavy adjustment, and I hope you’re able to find ways to navigate it with as much ease as possible. Please take care of yourself, and thank you again for your thoughtful words. They mean a lot.
When every part of you that knows what it is to be alive feels as if it's dying, you know it's time to leave. But that kind of grief, of not belonging, of being made to feel less than is a gift too. It is the key to freedom and to the life you deserve. May it be all you dream of.
Thank you, Marla. Your words truly resonate with me. The grief of not belonging, of feeling less than, is a heavy weight, but in some strange way, it’s also a powerful teacher. It’s showing me the path to freedom, the space where I can finally be who I am, without the chains of expectation and shame. I’m learning to honor this grief, to see it as a gift that’s pushing me toward the life I deserve. Your kindness and support mean so much—thank you for sharing that light with me.
Marla, I’d love to hear your idea whenever you’re ready to share. And thank you again—your words have stayed with me. It’s a rare thing to have grief acknowledged as both weight and gift, but that’s exactly what it is. Looking forward to your message. 💙
Jay, what an excellent capturing of steps many people face that lead to tough choices, bravery, big and well-thought steps to freedom, hard steps, steps not forgotten and not easy, but steps that make all the difference. Your poem through gifts of the soul, brain, and pen, is one of success, and it is so kind of you to share it. There are gifts in freedoms, gifts in recognition of tactics some people have used, that recognition needed in order to be protected in the future, whether from an individual, or from something on a much larger scale. It is such an honorable action, and it makes me proud of individuals who have found their way to a deserved life. The recognition and bravery are steps have been observed and celebrated on an individual scale to help one or a group of lives. Your poem suggests even wider reaching bravery. No matter what the scale, I am happy for anyone who has come to see a situation as it is, and then has found the path to creating a new, needed, and healthful life.
Further, I have observed some situations in which brave steps have been taken, yet encouragement has been needed to reassure the person not to become self-doubting. It is important that every person who has achieved the needed freedom, a needed fresh start, realize that living the new life is well-deserved, and that questioning themselves after the fact only gives into the undeserved power of the former aggressor, whether the controlling person still exists or not.
Bravery, the value of freedom, each are to be celebrated with gratitude and finding new joys in life, no matter how small. The inner peace glows and helps a person live the intended beauty of life, whether it is over a peaceful time with a cup of tea, the joy of nature, or the recognition of the ability to make any decision whatsoever and to be free and independent. Thank you for sharing your derp thoughts through your gift of writing.
Thank you for your response, JP4M. Your words reflect much of what I already know deep within myself, and yet hearing them from another brings a deeper clarity. I’m stepping into this new chapter, not out of doubt, but out of the recognition of all that I’ve learned. Any hesitation that has arisen along the way has come from conditioning and the echoes of trauma, not from any true uncertainty within me.
The decision to create a new life has not been one of doubt, but of recognizing the freedom that comes with choosing something different. It’s unfolding, not as a new choice, but as the path I’ve always known I would take, even if the steps have been heavy at times.
I feel touched and humbled by your words, and I shed a few tears reading them, knowing that I’m not walking this alone. The journey is still unfolding, and I’m learning to embrace it with open arms, as difficult and beautiful as it is. Thank you for reflecting this truth back to me so clearly.
Jay, you are wise, brave, kind, thorough in analyzing the situation as far as I can see from here, and I am proud of you for finding the ability, for using your intelligence, and knowing not only that you can help yourself in these ways, but that you were using your wisdom to help other people, other people who are able to read into to understand.
I am so very sorry for trauma you have experienced, but I am extremely proud of you and happy for you that you can see how to climb out, that you already have come so far!
I hope future steps will fall into place for you that wherever you are, you will find what you’re looking for and probably even more to make you happy. It is amazing. It’s me that people have found a way to share and reflect. This opportunity for anyone to have a wider community for reflection and sharing is new to me.
One feeling I have observed in someone who became free of an aggressor, was ongoing grief, yet the grief was not for what the person lost, it was for what was never there due to another person’s incapability to understand and to be the supporting and caring person needed, and in my opinion, expected to be by most people. I find that discussions continue toward overcoming that for at least one person. It is a tough realization for anyone, especially after trying so hard to make everything fine, and doing everything right with the best of intentions. Any questioning of that person self, was coming from the grief of what should have been there, but was not possible from that person who had other qualities, yet was totally not right for the situation. You are so wise that you probably don’t even need me to tell about this. I am only mentioning it because I have seen someone experience pain that should not have caused the problem. I do understand the grief, grief that can reoccurred at any time, yet I want you to know, that if that happens, it can be overcome. I think that happens to someone who realizes reality, yet revisiting that realization
is a another step in reaching the full and continuing gift of the new present and the hopeful future in the newly achieved circumstances. Not every person, especially after some things that have happened, analyzes as well as you do. Yet I applaud each aspect of success, and I see more success coming, which gives me joy for that person.
With your wisdom and gifts of expression, I feel that your strength, your determination, your caring about people and life, and probably much more than I am able to think of for now, will carry you through beautifully. The fact that you have created this opportunity for communication impresses me considerably, and I think everyone who can, would be happy to know of your success and happiness. I pray that everyone finding the need for changes for freedoms can find what is needed and thrive on the peace and happiness. I hope there will continue to be places where thriving is possible.
Thank you for your comment, Puella Meliora. I appreciate that you’ve joined Substack and are sharing your work. However, I feel it’s important to first acknowledge the piece that’s being shared before asking for feedback or validation. Engaging with the work in a thoughtful way creates a deeper, more meaningful exchange. I’ve taken the time to reflect on your work, and I encourage you to continue connecting with others here in a way that fosters genuine dialogue and respect for the art being shared. Thank You.
Thank you all for your supportive words and for holding space for me with such understanding. It truly means the world to me. Here, in this community, I’ve felt a sense of validation and acceptance that I haven’t experienced in my real life in Germany. The comments have been so affirming, acknowledging my situation without trying to change or fix anything, which is such a rare gift. I appreciate every one of you deeply.
Unfortunately, after a long day in Hannover today, I met with my one friend and some acquaintances, and the entire evening was a stark contrast to the support I’ve received here. Despite the praise, I was subjected to every communication barrier that I’ve shared with you all this afternoon. It was exhausting and unsupportive, filled with questioning and invalidation of my well-thought-out, even psychiatrically supported, decision to heal outside of this country. They even questioned the validity of this choice, which is unfortunately typical of the response I’ve encountered in Germany. This is exactly why I’m leaving. I don’t need advice or blessings from people who cannot truly understand the depth of what I’ve experienced, especially when they question the very decision that is my path to healing. It’s made me angry, but also relieved, knowing that this chapter, too, is coming to a close. I’m grateful that I have this space where I can speak my truth without being undermined. Thank you all again for your kindness and support.
That's beautiful. Come to Canada. We need more beauty like you here. We make for a good rebound relationship too.
Just connected. Love Canada anyway. My first, second try to get away was to Canada, first High School Year, than Au Pair. I made it in 1988 to Montreal for French Language school though. Loved it. Returned 2002 for three weeks road trip with my late partner and drank the most delicious Travigne Rosé (a cuvée with some experimental grapes) by Inniskillin Wines ever of with I still have the original bottle.
And thank for your flowers. I appreciate you very much.
Beautiful, Jay. I feel the pain in this, but also the freedom, the wholeness, the breath that arrives in the joy of escaping. Finding home within. 🩵🩵
Sending you so much love 🩵🩵
Mesa. A place that holds its own against time, against loss, against everything that tried to shape it into something else.
Your words reach me like wind across open stone—recognition, breath, the quiet echo of something once heavy now lifting. Yes. The pain, and yes, the freedom. The way leaving doesn’t just mean going but becoming.
Thank you for seeing the whole of it—the ache, the escape, the home found within. I feel that love, and I send it right back. 🩵
"Leaving doesn't just mean going but becoming." Beautiful truth.
I am sorry that your country is going down a similar path to my own. I’ve never felt truly at home here either… but then I am not at all sure I’ll feel at home anywhere. I wish that all of us that are unwelcome in our own countries could just build our own… good luck in all of your endeavors, my friend. 🖤
Thank you, Jules. I’ve felt that same disconnect, a deep knowing that I’ve never truly belonged here, not in this country, not in the places I’ve lived. The call to leave, to follow what’s been inside me since 1982, has always been there, even when it was buried under layers of conditioning and trauma. Every time I’ve traveled far abroad, something within me was awakened—reminded of a path I could never fully follow until now.
But here, in this place, I’ve had to face and resolve so much of what was instilled in me—by my parents, by society. Leaving this space, this history, is already a form of liberation, a step toward something that feels more like me. Despite living in big cities like Hamburg and Cologne, I never felt like I found my tribe, never felt the belonging I so desperately sought.
I hear you on not feeling at home anywhere. Maybe it’s not about one place, but about creating a sense of home within ourselves, or with others who understand the journey. I don’t know what the future holds, but I’m following the call that has always been there. Thank you for your well wishes—they mean more than you know. 🖤
Wild Lion*esse Pride from Jay: Denmark apparently has rejected the neo-Nazis.
I share your SHOCK at the 20% for AfD!
In your situation, I would look to nearby Denmark.
Very deep-meaning poem with relationships that still are dear but with structures and a newly vociferous ideology that are ABUSIVE.
I heard Alice Weidel tonight, and I think the AfD, like Trump/Vance, is a form of INSANITY coupled with Nazism.
Please, wherever you go, stay with us. Yours is a voice we need!
Thank you, Armand. I appreciate your understanding and your words of support.
It’s a strange feeling to let go of something that’s been so ingrained, even when it feels toxic and suffocating. Denmark might be a consideration, but the decision is so much more than geography—it’s about finding a space where I can breathe freely, where I might find finally my tribe, without the weight of a history that doesn’t align with who I am.
Denmark has never truly called to me. My heart has always been drawn to countries beyond Europe.
And yes, as crazy as it might seem, I’ve felt for years that my intuition is guiding me toward North America (or Oceania). Since 1982, that pull has been persistent. More recently, I've also found a calling for South Africa.
These are the directions I’m looking to, trusting whatever serendipity may bring.
I hear you on the ideological shift, and it’s terrifying to see how quickly things can escalate. I’m doing my best to stay grounded in my truth and to keep sharing my voice, wherever that leads.
I’ve worn many hats and mastered many roles along the way, and I’m open to exploring any of them, not exclusively. Your support means more than I can express.
The times ahead are not easy and yes they are scary. Because there will be no place to truly return to left when I leave, no house, no apartment, just a bunch of things in a cellar waiting to be called forward If I am able to find a new home.
And all that with next to no money, building a new life at 58 from almost Zero in a different country. And yes I am curious and I felt, it is the only way to truly heal myself from the wounds of the past.
I think you are making the best choice for yourself. Sometimes, we have to leave go to truly live and love.
Thank you, Gloria. It’s been a hard realization, but I know in my bones that it’s the right choice. Sometimes, letting go is the only way to finally feel the space to breathe and reclaim what’s been lost. I’m learning to love myself through the process, even in its messy, painful parts.
"In this land,
there’s always a distance,
a gap between who I am
and who I’m allowed to be.
The façade of civility,
the undercurrent of disconnection—
I am a foreigner in my own skin."
It is so interesting, that reading your words, it brings back that visceral memory of feeling like a foreigner in my own skin, when I was in my hometown. And then, no matter where I moved to, there's the same feeling. I can't say enough how I resonate with your sentiments in this poem.
Sometimes, a country and its culture can be so toxic, that healing would be impossible if one stays. It's like staying in a toxic relationship with an abuser. So I supportive your choice to find healing elsewhere. Where might you be moving, if you don't mind me asking?
I love this one Jay. The emotion behind it, the message. Sometimes leaving a partner, a job, a frienship or a country is the only and the best option. It's also an option that takes extreme amounts of courage, but that can be expected from the Wild Lioness :)
Thank you so much, Miguel. Your words mean a great deal to me—deeply felt and sincerely appreciated. You're right: sometimes the bravest, kindest thing we can do for ourselves is walk away. From a partner, a job, a friendship, even a country. Not out of weakness, but out of an unwillingness to keep shrinking.
I love how you named that kind of leaving for what it is—an act of courage. And calling on the Wild Lioness… that made me smile. There’s something powerful about being seen in that way: not as someone escaping, but as someone reclaiming.
Thank you for reading with your heart, for honoring the emotion behind the words. I’m grateful we’re connected on this journey—and grateful for your own voice in the pride.
With warmth and strength,
Jay 🦁
Jay, I admire your courage and your ability to turn suffering into poetry. I wish you to find a place where you truly belong and can share all your love!
Thank you, Emanuela. Your words mean so much to me. Turning suffering into poetry has been a way to make sense of it, and to feel heard. I truly hope that the place I’m seeking is one where I can finally belong, and share all the love and energy I’ve always wanted to give. Thank you for wishing that for me—it’s a beautiful gift.
Thank you for sharing this beautiful poem. I could see myself in it too. I have never felt at home here, and my heart always longs to belong. I don't want to just feel like I am surviving, or making my way through the days, but truly living.
Thank you, Christine. I’m so glad the poem resonated with you. The longing to truly live, not just survive, is something I deeply relate to. It’s a journey of seeking a place where we can feel seen, heard, and able to be fully ourselves—where belonging is not just a hope, but a reality. I can feel that same yearning in your words, and I truly hope we both find the space to not just exist, but to thrive.
Beautiful poem Jay! I completely resonated with, "it forces me to exist only in fragments. A piece here, a piece there, but never the whole of me." AND "I work not for survival, but to feed a machine that consumes, and then spits out its victims." This speaks to the dysfunction of our government and the conservative patriarchy that has its grip here. I assume your speaking about the US. But I will say this "land" is some of the most beautiful country I have ever seen, as I let my feet rest on it and feel its power.
Thank you, Julie. I’m glad the poem resonated with you. The feeling of existing only in fragments—of being reduced to parts of myself—is something that was deeply ingrained, and I can see how that connects with the larger systems of dysfunction and control we face. While I was reflecting on my own experiences in Germany (being German), I agree that this pattern is visible in many places, including the US.
However, the land itself—its beauty and power—still carries a kind of energy, one that can be felt even amid the dysfunction. My reflection is more about society, largely shaped by a dominant population intent on oppressing and exploiting a non-dominant one. Unfortunately, if we examine closely, you might find that many traits aligning with the expression of Germanic characteristics over centuries are very prevalent in what is happening in the US. Yet, that was not always the case to this extent. All the main players in the US do have Germanic roots.
I think we all carry that tension, trying to find our place in a world that often demands too much, while still yearning for the connection and peace that the land offers.
Acknowledging the heartbreak and honoring your path to wholeness. 🙏
Thank you, Megan. Acknowledging the heartbreak has been a crucial part of this journey, and honoring it is what helps me move towards healing and wholeness. Your words offer a sense of peace and validation, and I’m grateful for that. 🙏
As I reflect still more on your descriptive poem, at this time, I think Canada, as other people have suggested, could be a wise choice. The scale of change is beyond whatvivhavevseen most often, but I have known good people who have changed countries and made new lives. I wish I could know more about the lives of my ancestors who made big changes by immigrating.
I would like to have visited more, about conditions before my time, with a much loved person who made her new life near us, but as a child, I only knew what a wonderful person she was and that the change had been made through various hard, brave, and necessary steps. It took her many years to locate her mother. I am honored that I got to meet the mother when she visited the family. Because of my young age and the language difference, I did not communicate with her mother/grandmother,,but it was a special time, and I wish I had been astute enough in those early years to have found a way. I am forever proud of our now late friend, who made her escape, and lived a life of encouragement, wisdom, and caring in her new found home. She spoke a number of languages. If I had realized at the time, I could have communicated with the mother who visited at times. I know it was a precious time for their family, and I remain thankful to have been included when she came. Our friend made a happy difference in many lives. I hope she was as happy as she made many of us. I also can appreciate the challenges and the fact that there was much to miss for her and for other people I knew who had made changes in a country of choice for their home.
There are so many good people everywhere, and I wish comfort and reasons for joys for everyone according to their needs.
Thank you for your thoughtful response, JP4M. I really appreciate your reflections on the process of starting anew, and I can relate deeply to the complexity of such a transition. Right now, I’m focused on the many practical steps that need to be sorted out—like dealing with the bankruptcy of the company, paying off debts, selling my house, and taking care of paperwork. There’s still so much to be done before I can even start to think seriously about where to go.
As for where, Canada has been mentioned. While it might seem like an option, the visa process for Canada currently looks to be one of the most difficult to navigate. To make it possible, I would need a job offer that cannot be fulfilled by a Canadian citizen, or met a Canadian love of my life who actually might consider marrying me, which makes it quite a complex path to pursue.
Your story about your friend, her brave escape, and the life she built in a new land is inspiring. It reminds me of how transformative such journeys can be. While I’m still in the early stages of figuring out my next steps, I hold onto the belief that, no matter where, the challenges will bring growth and, ultimately, a chance to start anew.
I too believe there are good people everywhere, and I appreciate your thoughtful wish for comfort and joy for those on similar paths. Thank you for sharing your reflections with me—it means a lot.
You’re welcome, Jay. Thank you for sharing. You have so much to deal with and do that are beyond my scope, although I do realize that on a smaller scale, and for those of us who probably are much older than you are, okay definitely since we are in retirement, changes were still challenging, tough steps, or tough in that they simply were individual hurdles to be met and checked off a list. Several of us look out for each other by keeping in touch, listening, and just reflecting on good things if needed.
I hope all your needs will be met as you take each step that fits your situation. The progress and the passage of time seem to help in healing for some of us. Knowing other people care means a lot. I also know that there are some people who might not understand. It’s okay since we know not everybody can relate to a situation different from what they know, but for me, and for a number of people, I know time has past, we all care and always will, and we celebrate everybody’s successes by being happy for them as each step is taken.
One person worked especially hard at finding a new home. Certain needs had to be met, and eventually, at a time least expected, the right situation appeared. I know all situations are different in various ways, but I hope all works well for you.
You know so much I do not know, and my mention of Canada was only because I cannot think of anywhere else where a lot of problems some of us face are not being experienced there. Obviously, you have checked on more than I know or even know how to check. Best wishes to you!
JP4M, your kindness and thoughtfulness really come through, and I appreciate the time you took to share your reflections.
As a German, I see some things differently from what might seem obvious from an American perspective—like the idea of just moving to Canada. Our average income is about 51 cents to every US dollar, which completely shifts what’s feasible. When I hear about $5 eggs in the US, I compare that to our €4 eggs, which actually cost me nearly twice the work time to afford. If my disability pension gets approved, I’ll likely have around $1,600 per month to live on, and that wouldn’t be enough for the US or Canada, given the similar cost levels. That’s why I’m looking at other places where I could actually sustain myself—where I can regain stability without constantly struggling to afford the basics.
Right now, everything feels like an avalanche. So much is unraveling at once, and I’m in a near-constant effort to regulate myself from trauma triggers, often without much support beyond my therapy sessions. This week alone, it’s been an hourly process just to stay grounded. Avoiding re-traumatization is a priority, as is keeping my agency intact. I need to find a way through this that allows for an orderly and feasible time frame—one that accounts for my mental and physical health—so I don’t suddenly end up without accommodation, facing homelessness.
I know you mentioned Canada with good intentions, and don’t get me wrong—I’d love to live there. Yet immigration is complicated, and while I’m looking into different possibilities, my focus right now has to be on what’s directly in front of me: sorting out the bankruptcy, paying off debts, selling my house, handling endless paperwork, and getting my disability pension through. On top of that, I’m waiting for a place in a five-week medical rehabilitation program, which isn’t optional and, from what I can tell, is coming at the worst possible time. Meanwhile, my colleague is pressuring me to rush ahead with the insolvency instead of allowing for an orderly solution after my rehabilitation, putting me under massive stress in the process.
And whiile this is unravelling I am also trying to sort out my future and seriously consider my next steps.
Your reflections on the resilience of those who have started over mean a lot. Finding a way through, step by step, while holding onto what’s necessary for survival—there’s so much in that.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me. It makes a real difference.
I am so glad those thoughts can be of help. There is a song that just popped into my head, and although I am sure you are planning and keeping a calendar more detailed than any detailed lists or calendars I have had, and there have been many, I will share the title in case you find it helpful. It is “One Day at a Time”. I think there are varied versions of it.
Recently vision has become a great challenge and concern. As a result, I will not be trying to read as much as I want and as much as I have tried to keep up with on the phone. There are many goals and needs to be met, and seeing here will not improve, I have learned. Meanwhile, please know that I will keep hoping the best for you, despite my necessary limitations. Thank you for your kind words and all you have shared, Jay. I wish the best for you and for everyone of us.
JP4M, I truly appreciate your kindness and the way you take the time to connect. One Day at a Time is a good reminder—there’s only so much that can be tackled at once, no matter how much urgency looms.
I’m sorry to hear about your vision challenges. That’s a heavy adjustment, and I hope you’re able to find ways to navigate it with as much ease as possible. Please take care of yourself, and thank you again for your thoughtful words. They mean a lot.
Thank you so much, Jay! Your kindness means a lot, too.
When every part of you that knows what it is to be alive feels as if it's dying, you know it's time to leave. But that kind of grief, of not belonging, of being made to feel less than is a gift too. It is the key to freedom and to the life you deserve. May it be all you dream of.
Thank you, Marla. Your words truly resonate with me. The grief of not belonging, of feeling less than, is a heavy weight, but in some strange way, it’s also a powerful teacher. It’s showing me the path to freedom, the space where I can finally be who I am, without the chains of expectation and shame. I’m learning to honor this grief, to see it as a gift that’s pushing me toward the life I deserve. Your kindness and support mean so much—thank you for sharing that light with me.
Reading this thread has inspired an idea. It's middle of the night here but I'll drop you a message tomorrow.
Marla, I’d love to hear your idea whenever you’re ready to share. And thank you again—your words have stayed with me. It’s a rare thing to have grief acknowledged as both weight and gift, but that’s exactly what it is. Looking forward to your message. 💙
Jay, what an excellent capturing of steps many people face that lead to tough choices, bravery, big and well-thought steps to freedom, hard steps, steps not forgotten and not easy, but steps that make all the difference. Your poem through gifts of the soul, brain, and pen, is one of success, and it is so kind of you to share it. There are gifts in freedoms, gifts in recognition of tactics some people have used, that recognition needed in order to be protected in the future, whether from an individual, or from something on a much larger scale. It is such an honorable action, and it makes me proud of individuals who have found their way to a deserved life. The recognition and bravery are steps have been observed and celebrated on an individual scale to help one or a group of lives. Your poem suggests even wider reaching bravery. No matter what the scale, I am happy for anyone who has come to see a situation as it is, and then has found the path to creating a new, needed, and healthful life.
Further, I have observed some situations in which brave steps have been taken, yet encouragement has been needed to reassure the person not to become self-doubting. It is important that every person who has achieved the needed freedom, a needed fresh start, realize that living the new life is well-deserved, and that questioning themselves after the fact only gives into the undeserved power of the former aggressor, whether the controlling person still exists or not.
Bravery, the value of freedom, each are to be celebrated with gratitude and finding new joys in life, no matter how small. The inner peace glows and helps a person live the intended beauty of life, whether it is over a peaceful time with a cup of tea, the joy of nature, or the recognition of the ability to make any decision whatsoever and to be free and independent. Thank you for sharing your derp thoughts through your gift of writing.
Thank you for your response, JP4M. Your words reflect much of what I already know deep within myself, and yet hearing them from another brings a deeper clarity. I’m stepping into this new chapter, not out of doubt, but out of the recognition of all that I’ve learned. Any hesitation that has arisen along the way has come from conditioning and the echoes of trauma, not from any true uncertainty within me.
The decision to create a new life has not been one of doubt, but of recognizing the freedom that comes with choosing something different. It’s unfolding, not as a new choice, but as the path I’ve always known I would take, even if the steps have been heavy at times.
I feel touched and humbled by your words, and I shed a few tears reading them, knowing that I’m not walking this alone. The journey is still unfolding, and I’m learning to embrace it with open arms, as difficult and beautiful as it is. Thank you for reflecting this truth back to me so clearly.
Jay, you are wise, brave, kind, thorough in analyzing the situation as far as I can see from here, and I am proud of you for finding the ability, for using your intelligence, and knowing not only that you can help yourself in these ways, but that you were using your wisdom to help other people, other people who are able to read into to understand.
I am so very sorry for trauma you have experienced, but I am extremely proud of you and happy for you that you can see how to climb out, that you already have come so far!
I hope future steps will fall into place for you that wherever you are, you will find what you’re looking for and probably even more to make you happy. It is amazing. It’s me that people have found a way to share and reflect. This opportunity for anyone to have a wider community for reflection and sharing is new to me.
One feeling I have observed in someone who became free of an aggressor, was ongoing grief, yet the grief was not for what the person lost, it was for what was never there due to another person’s incapability to understand and to be the supporting and caring person needed, and in my opinion, expected to be by most people. I find that discussions continue toward overcoming that for at least one person. It is a tough realization for anyone, especially after trying so hard to make everything fine, and doing everything right with the best of intentions. Any questioning of that person self, was coming from the grief of what should have been there, but was not possible from that person who had other qualities, yet was totally not right for the situation. You are so wise that you probably don’t even need me to tell about this. I am only mentioning it because I have seen someone experience pain that should not have caused the problem. I do understand the grief, grief that can reoccurred at any time, yet I want you to know, that if that happens, it can be overcome. I think that happens to someone who realizes reality, yet revisiting that realization
is a another step in reaching the full and continuing gift of the new present and the hopeful future in the newly achieved circumstances. Not every person, especially after some things that have happened, analyzes as well as you do. Yet I applaud each aspect of success, and I see more success coming, which gives me joy for that person.
With your wisdom and gifts of expression, I feel that your strength, your determination, your caring about people and life, and probably much more than I am able to think of for now, will carry you through beautifully. The fact that you have created this opportunity for communication impresses me considerably, and I think everyone who can, would be happy to know of your success and happiness. I pray that everyone finding the need for changes for freedoms can find what is needed and thrive on the peace and happiness. I hope there will continue to be places where thriving is possible.
Thank you for your comment, Puella Meliora. I appreciate that you’ve joined Substack and are sharing your work. However, I feel it’s important to first acknowledge the piece that’s being shared before asking for feedback or validation. Engaging with the work in a thoughtful way creates a deeper, more meaningful exchange. I’ve taken the time to reflect on your work, and I encourage you to continue connecting with others here in a way that fosters genuine dialogue and respect for the art being shared. Thank You.