Leaving an Abusive Relationship - with a Country
A poem
Leaving an Abusive Relationship - with a Country
I step onto the balcony,
the air heavy,
eyes too sensitive for the light
— a sign,
my body speaks in responses
that feel like echoes
of a trauma that never truly left.
This morning, a reaction—
a wake-up call I couldn’t ignore,
but I regulated,
walked the city streets,
seeking some small chance to bend reality.
Could I adjust the time on my sick leave?
No.
The rules here, they don’t bend.
A deep sigh fills me,
this land,
this place that has never felt like home,
it forces me to exist only in fragments.
A piece here,
a piece there,
but never the whole of me.
I walk through the streets—
on high alert,
my senses tuned to a frequency
that doesn't belong to me,
but to survival.
In this land,
there’s always a distance,
a gap between who I am
and who I’m allowed to be.
The façade of civility,
the undercurrent of disconnection—
I am a foreigner in my own skin.
This week,
it became clear:
I no longer belong to this place.
It has taken from me,
and now it seeks the last of my energy.
I work not for survival,
but to feed a machine that consumes,
and then spits out its victims.
I’ll sell the house,
pay the debts,
and disconnect.
No more.
I refuse to be drained any longer.
My heart breaks for the ties once made,
but now,
I make the choice to disengage.
This country no longer has the right
to take from me what little remains
of my strength,
my dignity.
And so,
I leave,
not just the land,
but the abuse that shaped my existence.
I walk away
from the lies,
from the gaslighting that told me
I was less than.
The door to this chapter closes,
but as I step away,
I find myself in new air,
new ground beneath my feet.
Here, I am not a fragment—
I am whole.
Finally,
I breathe again.
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Thank you all for your supportive words and for holding space for me with such understanding. It truly means the world to me. Here, in this community, I’ve felt a sense of validation and acceptance that I haven’t experienced in my real life in Germany. The comments have been so affirming, acknowledging my situation without trying to change or fix anything, which is such a rare gift. I appreciate every one of you deeply.
Unfortunately, after a long day in Hannover today, I met with my one friend and some acquaintances, and the entire evening was a stark contrast to the support I’ve received here. Despite the praise, I was subjected to every communication barrier that I’ve shared with you all this afternoon. It was exhausting and unsupportive, filled with questioning and invalidation of my well-thought-out, even psychiatrically supported, decision to heal outside of this country. They even questioned the validity of this choice, which is unfortunately typical of the response I’ve encountered in Germany. This is exactly why I’m leaving. I don’t need advice or blessings from people who cannot truly understand the depth of what I’ve experienced, especially when they question the very decision that is my path to healing. It’s made me angry, but also relieved, knowing that this chapter, too, is coming to a close. I’m grateful that I have this space where I can speak my truth without being undermined. Thank you all again for your kindness and support.
That's beautiful. Come to Canada. We need more beauty like you here. We make for a good rebound relationship too.