Thank you Jay for such a beautifully spoken piece about your life experience. I have gotten to know you through your beautiful insightful comments in Letters from Love. You always somehow help me feel seen.
Although I do not share your experiences with gender; I do believe so many of us are forced to split away from our true selves at a very young age for probably as many reasons as there are people. For myself, I had a sad mother and angry father who were never okay which meant I never learned how to feel okay inside of myself. My split self became an independent, self-reliant, overachieving, workaholic and all of it was praised by the world around me. But all of it was motivated by fear, possibly terror. Five years ago my life imploded….I could no longer handle the anxiety of life and the demands it was placing on my body…ever since, I realize now that I have been trying to rewild myself as you spoke of. It’s been a terrifying process, peeling back the layers to figure out which parts are authentic and which are coping mechanisms. I have felt on shaky ground for much of this five years. Now after two years of sitting with myself, I am starting to provide myself with the safety I’ve always been looking for outside of myself.
Thank you for offering me an opportunity to connect with you across an ocean. To witness our common humanity and as a result feel less alone is truly a gift. Sending you love from Canada❤️
Jay, your weaving analogy rings very true to me. Trying to understand our inner worlds and by doing so heal has been unbelievably tricky for that exact reason. These expectations and ideals woven into us from society are so exactly that “woven”…sometimes I can’t tell where the stories I tell myself came from; where it started, because it is woven so deeply into our unconscious selves. The process of coming back to oneself feels complicated because sometimes I can’t tell which thread to pull, or if I detect a thread sometimes I can’t tell why I’ve even noticed it. Unweaving the patterns from a blanket (that was quite frankly full of holes) and then choosing which threads to weave back together is a challenge for the brave. When a person detects something isn’t right and turns towards it rather than away, that to me is a sign of coming back home to ourselves. Not a journey all people are willing to take; understandably, as it’s the hardest journey, even if it feels necessary.
Thank you for your layered answer. I have come to understand that my gender, gender identity and sexual orientation might have added layers of hurt and trauma, yet they are not the true root of what happened not only to me. The deeper wound sits in the foundations of the society we all grew up in—regardless of which axis we were marginalised along. These are not parallel experiences, yet they are interwoven. And the weaving happened inside a system that rewards splitting, disconnection, suppression, control.
You describe clearly how you were shaped to survive—praised for overachieving, for performing independence, while the cost stayed buried in the body. That fear you name—I know the shape of it. Not the same origin, yet formed by the same logic: become what’s allowed, or be discarded.
For me, everything I once thought was personal turned out to be structural. Race, ethnicity, gender, class, skin tone, sexual orientation—these are not causes, they’re sites of impact. The real cause sits deeper: in patriarchal order, hierarchical values, colonial extraction, white dominance, pseudo-Christian obedience, capitalist logic.
Theories from men like Descartes or Darwin were never neutral. “I think therefore I am” is not science. Darwin’s race theory is not truth. These are hypotheses—musings elevated into dogma, passed off as absolute, taught as fact. And from there, everything was measured, compared, ranked.
What I see, in your words and in so many others, are the echoes of that system. Different biographies. Same roots. Similar survival patterns. Same foundations.
The process you describe—peeling back, sitting with what remains, reclaiming the right to feel safe inside yourself—is not self-help. It’s systemic refusal.
I am glad my words resonate with you not just here, yet in Liz' space as well. I am glad you walk this path beside me in reclaiming all our shared humanity together. Because together we are strong and more than the roughly 20% who are truly dictating the rest. If we rise strong, we remain strong.
Sending back big love to Canada, the country I longed twice for the stay (1983 high school year, 1986 au pair, both in the end not allowed to) and frankly still would say no to as my home.
Thank you so much, WilM. That means a great deal to me. I’ve come to believe that the “power of one” isn’t about force—it’s about presence. About staying true to what quietly endures when everything else is stripped away. I’m grateful you felt that in the piece—and grateful to be witnessed in it.
so good. I love what you say about how the inner self knows what to do when left alone long enough. we have no space for this kind of freedom when we're always working, always busy. and I love the bird song in the background
Thank you Andrew, yes self-reflection in whatever way needs some idleness in our being. As we say in Germany, letting the soul dangle, swaying gently like a buoy on a calm ocean day.
Karen, thank you so much. I am so glad my words resonated and my message reached you. I have written several times already about my re-wilding and liberation, especially back in December and in January, when I actually was finally able to liberate my self from my own authoritarian inner dictator (which had been my narcissistic mother—many similarities to DT).
Dear Jay, I love every bit of this, the pain and the beauty. How you let yourself be the questions and the answers.
I’m here with one of may adult twins with disabilities, Libby, if she could speak, she would be cheering you on with expressions like, “I am worthy just as I am. Nobody gets it aside for me. I am a gift with you see it or not.”
My oldest daughter came out when she was about 16 but I already knew she was queer. She always had one close girlfriend didn’t surrender into any other identity.
However, when she got to college things, her more challenging for her for variety of reasons. She had a girlfriend who was older than her, and she took advantage of her.
Taking her time to heal from
One thing I will always remember that she told me how the transgender community was her tribe. They are who she relates to most.
She is a fierce force for justice, equality, and all things good and human being.
Sometimes I ask, where did this one come from?
I’m very lucky I have three exquisite nonconforming, beautiful daughters.
Prajna— You brought it straight. Libby, your daughter, each thread held with care and clarity. That line you gave Libby stays with me: “I am worthy just as I am. Nobody gets it aside from me. I am a gift whether you see it or not.” That’s a lived knowing. The way you stand with them—without asking them to become smaller, without shaping their truth to fit comfort—speaks louder than any declaration. Fierce through and through. Thank you for meeting me here with all of it. Thank you friend xoxo Jay
Dear Jay—your words mean the world. You see us—and that’s a rare and holy thing. Thank you for meeting me in the deep. For holding the truth without flinching, without division. Fierce love right back at you.
Thank you Jay for such a beautifully spoken piece about your life experience. I have gotten to know you through your beautiful insightful comments in Letters from Love. You always somehow help me feel seen.
Although I do not share your experiences with gender; I do believe so many of us are forced to split away from our true selves at a very young age for probably as many reasons as there are people. For myself, I had a sad mother and angry father who were never okay which meant I never learned how to feel okay inside of myself. My split self became an independent, self-reliant, overachieving, workaholic and all of it was praised by the world around me. But all of it was motivated by fear, possibly terror. Five years ago my life imploded….I could no longer handle the anxiety of life and the demands it was placing on my body…ever since, I realize now that I have been trying to rewild myself as you spoke of. It’s been a terrifying process, peeling back the layers to figure out which parts are authentic and which are coping mechanisms. I have felt on shaky ground for much of this five years. Now after two years of sitting with myself, I am starting to provide myself with the safety I’ve always been looking for outside of myself.
Thank you for offering me an opportunity to connect with you across an ocean. To witness our common humanity and as a result feel less alone is truly a gift. Sending you love from Canada❤️
Jay, your weaving analogy rings very true to me. Trying to understand our inner worlds and by doing so heal has been unbelievably tricky for that exact reason. These expectations and ideals woven into us from society are so exactly that “woven”…sometimes I can’t tell where the stories I tell myself came from; where it started, because it is woven so deeply into our unconscious selves. The process of coming back to oneself feels complicated because sometimes I can’t tell which thread to pull, or if I detect a thread sometimes I can’t tell why I’ve even noticed it. Unweaving the patterns from a blanket (that was quite frankly full of holes) and then choosing which threads to weave back together is a challenge for the brave. When a person detects something isn’t right and turns towards it rather than away, that to me is a sign of coming back home to ourselves. Not a journey all people are willing to take; understandably, as it’s the hardest journey, even if it feels necessary.
Erin,
Thank you for your layered answer. I have come to understand that my gender, gender identity and sexual orientation might have added layers of hurt and trauma, yet they are not the true root of what happened not only to me. The deeper wound sits in the foundations of the society we all grew up in—regardless of which axis we were marginalised along. These are not parallel experiences, yet they are interwoven. And the weaving happened inside a system that rewards splitting, disconnection, suppression, control.
You describe clearly how you were shaped to survive—praised for overachieving, for performing independence, while the cost stayed buried in the body. That fear you name—I know the shape of it. Not the same origin, yet formed by the same logic: become what’s allowed, or be discarded.
For me, everything I once thought was personal turned out to be structural. Race, ethnicity, gender, class, skin tone, sexual orientation—these are not causes, they’re sites of impact. The real cause sits deeper: in patriarchal order, hierarchical values, colonial extraction, white dominance, pseudo-Christian obedience, capitalist logic.
Theories from men like Descartes or Darwin were never neutral. “I think therefore I am” is not science. Darwin’s race theory is not truth. These are hypotheses—musings elevated into dogma, passed off as absolute, taught as fact. And from there, everything was measured, compared, ranked.
What I see, in your words and in so many others, are the echoes of that system. Different biographies. Same roots. Similar survival patterns. Same foundations.
The process you describe—peeling back, sitting with what remains, reclaiming the right to feel safe inside yourself—is not self-help. It’s systemic refusal.
I am glad my words resonate with you not just here, yet in Liz' space as well. I am glad you walk this path beside me in reclaiming all our shared humanity together. Because together we are strong and more than the roughly 20% who are truly dictating the rest. If we rise strong, we remain strong.
Sending back big love to Canada, the country I longed twice for the stay (1983 high school year, 1986 au pair, both in the end not allowed to) and frankly still would say no to as my home.
Jay
This is amazing writing, Jay. The inner power resonates throughout. Beautiful to witness your journey.
Thank you so much, WilM. That means a great deal to me. I’ve come to believe that the “power of one” isn’t about force—it’s about presence. About staying true to what quietly endures when everything else is stripped away. I’m grateful you felt that in the piece—and grateful to be witnessed in it.
so good. I love what you say about how the inner self knows what to do when left alone long enough. we have no space for this kind of freedom when we're always working, always busy. and I love the bird song in the background
Thank you Andrew, yes self-reflection in whatever way needs some idleness in our being. As we say in Germany, letting the soul dangle, swaying gently like a buoy on a calm ocean day.
What an incredible piece. That you can put your experience in such articulate words. That you worked through to your genuine self is so refreshing.
Karen, thank you so much. I am so glad my words resonated and my message reached you. I have written several times already about my re-wilding and liberation, especially back in December and in January, when I actually was finally able to liberate my self from my own authoritarian inner dictator (which had been my narcissistic mother—many similarities to DT).
Dear Jay, I love every bit of this, the pain and the beauty. How you let yourself be the questions and the answers.
I’m here with one of may adult twins with disabilities, Libby, if she could speak, she would be cheering you on with expressions like, “I am worthy just as I am. Nobody gets it aside for me. I am a gift with you see it or not.”
My oldest daughter came out when she was about 16 but I already knew she was queer. She always had one close girlfriend didn’t surrender into any other identity.
However, when she got to college things, her more challenging for her for variety of reasons. She had a girlfriend who was older than her, and she took advantage of her.
Taking her time to heal from
One thing I will always remember that she told me how the transgender community was her tribe. They are who she relates to most.
She is a fierce force for justice, equality, and all things good and human being.
Sometimes I ask, where did this one come from?
I’m very lucky I have three exquisite nonconforming, beautiful daughters.
I am hugging you from afar.
Prajna— You brought it straight. Libby, your daughter, each thread held with care and clarity. That line you gave Libby stays with me: “I am worthy just as I am. Nobody gets it aside from me. I am a gift whether you see it or not.” That’s a lived knowing. The way you stand with them—without asking them to become smaller, without shaping their truth to fit comfort—speaks louder than any declaration. Fierce through and through. Thank you for meeting me here with all of it. Thank you friend xoxo Jay
Dear Jay—your words mean the world. You see us—and that’s a rare and holy thing. Thank you for meeting me in the deep. For holding the truth without flinching, without division. Fierce love right back at you.
xoxo
Prajna