Meeting the Obstacles to Healing From Trauma Where I Live. A grounded essay exploring five inner obstacles—ignorance, ego, attachment, aversion, and fear—through lived insight, Buddhist psychology, and systemic clarity.
Jay, I love these five recognitions that honor the complexity of our humaness, to hone obstacles as treasures and to allow the full expression of desire.
So much more. I enjoyed this very much and resonate with you completely. Beautiful helpful thoughtful gateways.
Prajna, it’s truly meaningful to know that this exploration of the five recognitions resonated so deeply with you. We meet in the shared understanding that obstacles can be honed into treasures, and that desire deserves its full expression. Your words—"beautiful, helpful, thoughtful gateways"—so perfectly capture the intention behind this writing: to offer points of reflection that open new ways of seeing and being. Thank you for this kind and affirming message.
“And in the middle of all this, a quiet promise: I do not have to earn my way back to worth. I never left it.” 🎯 I enjoyed this dive into the kleshas Jay!
Kelly, thank you. That line—“I never left it”—is one I return to often when the old patterns creep back in, whispering otherwise. I’m so glad the dive into the kleshas landed with you.
Damn, Jay! You're writing and the depth of your insights just keeps getting better. This is a really incredible piece, and incredibly important as well. I wonder if you've ever considered becoming a coach to help others navigate their own inner canyonlands? Your profound insight into your own process and your ability to communicate that clearly through all of the complexities tells me that if and when this would be of interest to you, you would be very successful with it. Of course that could add an additional layer of demand and overwhelmed to an already overtaxed nervous system. But I wanted to share my enthusiasm for your ability to excavate and communicate the psychologically complex and for the courage to do so in your own life.
Linnea, thank you. Your words mean a lot, and I truly appreciate your reflection. I have thought about coaching—and even looked into it more than once. Here in Germany, to officially step into that role would require additional formal training, which involves costs I simply cannot cover at the moment.
Interestingly, my systemic coach as social psychologist, my psychologist, as well as my psychiatrist, have encouraged me in the same direction. Their suggestions stayed with me, and over time I had the space to reflect more deeply. I know I am an autodidact through and through. My pace and way of learning move in patterns that many would probably call neurodivergent. And truthfully—I already carry so much lived experience, psychological depth, and integration. I learn every day, and I learn in ways no formal curriculum has ever managed to match.
Do I need another course to validate that? A certificate to prove I’m qualified?
What I know is this: I would love to facilitate retreats or workshops—not because I hold a credential, but because I’ve walked through fire and found language for it. Because I have fully integrated 18 of my 28 trauma threads. Because I’ve found my way out of toxic shame, and that changed everything.
Right now, my energy flows into writing, and I have a sense that writing may lead me there—perhaps to that space of facilitation, of being alongside others in a meaningful way. If I were to invest in anything down the line, it might be a pathway into becoming a meditation and mindfulness teacher. That feels closer to my center. And yes, I know from experience: on retreat, those deep, unplanned, quietly transformative conversations happen. They find you.
Thank you again for your care, for reading so fully, and for offering that mirror so generously.
I really hope that you do Jay as you have a gift and wisdom that people thirst for. Whether as coach, mediation teacher, workshop leader or retreat guide.
Yes, being an autodidact is a form of neurodivergence as you know. It is hard in a world that does not understand different forms of learning. It’s incredibly frustrating for one who learns in this way.
How interesting that ‘coach’ is a protected term in Germany. In the US only ‘psychologist’, ‘ therapist’ avert psychotherapist’ are protected and require licensure. I have more thoughts to share but I’ll reach out directly with them.
“Coach,” as it's used in the U.S., isn’t a protected term—but here in Germany, there’s an even stronger cultural emphasis on diplomas, certificates, proof of learning, proof of knowledge. Just saying, “I can do it, no problem” doesn’t go far.
Even the most basic certifications require time and money I’m simply not willing to invest right now.
So instead, I’m trusting that my journey will lead me—serendipitously—to the places, forks in the road, and moments of alignment that bring me to where I’m truly meant to be.
And more and more, I find myself leaning into that quiet, inner knowing.
I gladly listen to your direct thoughts on a different channel. Thanks.
Julie, I really appreciate that. Making these patterns recognizable—without diluting their depth—matters a lot to me. I’m glad it felt accessible and helpful to you. Thank you for reading with such openness.
Indeed, the pause… Also, for me thanking those aspects that kept me safe, yet are no longer needed as they were. I’ll be revisiting dear Jay. Thank you for your depth of care and thoughtfulness. I’m a forever student, and appreciate new ways of absorbing and living into this earth suit of mine. Xo💜🪶
Joanie, yes—the pause, and the thank you. There’s something deeply respectful in naming what once kept us safe, without needing to hold it forever. I recognize that in what you shared. You call yourself a forever student—I feel that too. These patterns keep teaching me, and sometimes what shifts isn’t the pattern but the way I sit with it.
I know this is called "I don't need to be fixed" but I think this just fixed me. 😅 In all seriousness, this is a beautifully written essay, friend. You have such grounded insight and wisdom. I gasped several times while reading this- there was so much to recognize here. Thank you for being such a light.
Lorraine, thank you. I am glad those reminders resonated. Presence, for me, lives in the returning—each time with a little more gentleness, a little more space. I appreciate you reading with such care and meeting the piece in that spirit.
Kendall, thank you. I am grateful my words found resonance within you. I don’t think anything in us ever needs fixing—only naming, witnessing, context and a lot of re-wilding ourselves. If something in this piece helped something in you settle or come into focus, I’m grateful. Even more so to be walking this kind of work in parallel with you. xoxo Jay
I agree about the “fixing”- I love the term re'-wilding. Really, anything that draws our awareness to return rather than arrival. You do such an amazing job of articulating that here! Also delighted to be doing this work in parallel with you. xoxo
Morgan, thank you. I’m grateful and humbled my words resonated with you. I learned to trust these practices over the course of the past almost five years now, and they served me well in my healing. The kind of choice you reflected back—conscious, uncoiled from old patterns—asks presence more than force. It’s slow work, and it leaves traces. I’m glad the piece found you in that space.
Nice to hear from you. I call my practice of meditation and deeper self-awareness and acceptance to be a spiritual journey and by definition it is to me a healing process. Family of origin trauma (daughter of Holocaust refugee) was a source of chaos and confusion when I was younger. Getting much better at the serenity and letting go in my older years.
Maya, I can relate to that. Your words mirror much of what I’ve lived and continue to explore. For me too, the path has been shaped by deep family wounding, and I’ve come to see healing as both a reclamation and a quiet revolution—one small act of care at a time.
I find it comforting to know others, like you, are walking parallel paths—each of us tending to what was once too painful to face, now with more grace. Thank you for sharing your story.
I really appreciate what you shared. For me, it’s less a spiritual practice in the traditional sense and more a healing one—something that grew out of necessity. With a history shaped by both chronic, life-altering conditions and those singular, defining moments, I had to find a way back to myself. These practices have become anchors in that process—tools for presence, safety, and quiet repair in the midst of the world’s noise.
Thank you for holding space for this kind of reflection. ❤️
"Because every time I pause instead of perform, stay instead of shut down, soften instead of grip—I reclaim a piece of myself."
Dear Jay, this is one of the most enlightening articles I've read. It is full of wisdom, awareness, both internally and externally and love. It's the daily work. Thank you 🙏🏻 Hope you have a peaceful Memorial Day weekend. ox
We don’t observe Memorial Day here in Germany, so I wasn’t even aware of the occasion—thank you for reminding me of the significance it holds. I’m deeply grateful the essay resonated with you. Your words reflect such presence and care, and it means a lot to know it met you where you are. Yes, it is the daily work—moment by moment, breath by breath. Wishing you a gentle weekend, filled with space to pause, stay, and soften.
Oh geeze! I didn’t realize you lived in Germany! I do think that most countries have their Memorial Days. It’s a deep reminder of loss and how awful war is :(
Moment by moment, breath by breath. This is where I am at. oxox
Deb, yes—there are a few Catholic holidays in November that are official in parts of southern Germany, like All Saints’ Day, but not here in the north. What we don’t have is a national public holiday for remembrance like Memorial Day.
Instead, there are a few designated days of remembrance—like Volkstrauertag, the national day of mourning for the victims of both World Wars, which falls on the third Sunday in November. But it’s more of a civic observance than something widely embraced in everyday life. Politicians give speeches, cemeteries might hold ceremonies—but it doesn’t feel like a collective pause.
There’s also Totensonntag, literally “Sunday of the Dead,” observed mainly by Protestant churches on that same weekend—but again, it’s quiet, more liturgical than public.
Aside from these, we have All Souls’ and All Saints’ Days, which are marked more meaningfully in Catholic regions—but here in the Protestant north, remembrance isn’t built into the public rhythm in the same way. And in terms of religion officially recognized in public life, it’s mostly Catholic, Protestant, Free Church, Jewish, and Muslim communities.
So no—nothing quite like Memorial Day here.
For me, remembrance is always entangled with trauma. I’ve lost four close family members—far too early in their lives, and partly too early in mine. At 58, I’m now the oldest living person in our family line. That’s a strange weight to carry.
For years, I avoided cemeteries unless I absolutely couldn’t. The pain was too raw, too complex. Remembrance didn’t feel like peace—it felt like reopening a wound. It still does, sometimes.
So when these memorial days come around—wherever they are in the world—I meet them gently, if at all. Breath by breath, as you said. That’s the only way I know how.
Thank you for explaining all of these events and things to me Jay. I am so sad to hear how much loss you have endured. To be the oldest living at your age. I can feel this. I understand the carrying of pain deeply. I think true creatives are the most heartfelt, complex and “not-of-this-world” humans. When I say true - I mean we run to it as purpose, life giving, passion and never give up on it. I see this in my husband and in myself which can and has lead to more drama - but wouldn’t trade it for the world. I have also been full of angst and doubt over a God, but then I see all the miracles big and small and I realize that it’s humans that bring that doubt to my head. How religion is used for gain or evil. What is planted in our heart, our uniqueness, our wiring, is truly miraculous. I see so much beauty that has been gifted to us all around and that is how we keep going and living. You are doing a good job at inspiration Jay. Sending you a big hug and much love. ox
I truly cherish your words and deeply recognize that creative, miraculous spirit you speak of. Like you, I also see how much beauty still lives around and within us—how creativity becomes both a refuge and a way through.
And yes, the systems we live in so often rely on binaries: good/bad, right/wrong, powerful/powerless. They function by keeping us divided, by flattening our complexity into roles. Yet, as you so beautifully expressed, we are not the system. We’re human beings. And that gives us the ability to choose—to no longer live by those imposed patterns, to see past the black-and-white scripts and return to something more whole.
Thank you for reminding me of the depth and wonder that lives in that choice.
I can’t agree more. Thank you for this. We are human first and we belong to the moon, sun and stars first and foremost. I tell my youngest granddaughter, “I love you to the moon, stars, sun and back down to earth” - but I know life here on earth is complicated and full of systems. Our job is to create outside of those systems and offer something back up to the universe - or in my case I always say I create for the Creator. An offering for the blessing and wonder of my life. Keep going. You’re a beautiful soul Jay. oxox
Jay, I love these five recognitions that honor the complexity of our humaness, to hone obstacles as treasures and to allow the full expression of desire.
So much more. I enjoyed this very much and resonate with you completely. Beautiful helpful thoughtful gateways.
Thank you
Prajna, it’s truly meaningful to know that this exploration of the five recognitions resonated so deeply with you. We meet in the shared understanding that obstacles can be honed into treasures, and that desire deserves its full expression. Your words—"beautiful, helpful, thoughtful gateways"—so perfectly capture the intention behind this writing: to offer points of reflection that open new ways of seeing and being. Thank you for this kind and affirming message.
“And in the middle of all this, a quiet promise: I do not have to earn my way back to worth. I never left it.” 🎯 I enjoyed this dive into the kleshas Jay!
Kelly, thank you. That line—“I never left it”—is one I return to often when the old patterns creep back in, whispering otherwise. I’m so glad the dive into the kleshas landed with you.
Damn, Jay! You're writing and the depth of your insights just keeps getting better. This is a really incredible piece, and incredibly important as well. I wonder if you've ever considered becoming a coach to help others navigate their own inner canyonlands? Your profound insight into your own process and your ability to communicate that clearly through all of the complexities tells me that if and when this would be of interest to you, you would be very successful with it. Of course that could add an additional layer of demand and overwhelmed to an already overtaxed nervous system. But I wanted to share my enthusiasm for your ability to excavate and communicate the psychologically complex and for the courage to do so in your own life.
Linnea, thank you. Your words mean a lot, and I truly appreciate your reflection. I have thought about coaching—and even looked into it more than once. Here in Germany, to officially step into that role would require additional formal training, which involves costs I simply cannot cover at the moment.
Interestingly, my systemic coach as social psychologist, my psychologist, as well as my psychiatrist, have encouraged me in the same direction. Their suggestions stayed with me, and over time I had the space to reflect more deeply. I know I am an autodidact through and through. My pace and way of learning move in patterns that many would probably call neurodivergent. And truthfully—I already carry so much lived experience, psychological depth, and integration. I learn every day, and I learn in ways no formal curriculum has ever managed to match.
Do I need another course to validate that? A certificate to prove I’m qualified?
What I know is this: I would love to facilitate retreats or workshops—not because I hold a credential, but because I’ve walked through fire and found language for it. Because I have fully integrated 18 of my 28 trauma threads. Because I’ve found my way out of toxic shame, and that changed everything.
Right now, my energy flows into writing, and I have a sense that writing may lead me there—perhaps to that space of facilitation, of being alongside others in a meaningful way. If I were to invest in anything down the line, it might be a pathway into becoming a meditation and mindfulness teacher. That feels closer to my center. And yes, I know from experience: on retreat, those deep, unplanned, quietly transformative conversations happen. They find you.
Thank you again for your care, for reading so fully, and for offering that mirror so generously.
I really hope that you do Jay as you have a gift and wisdom that people thirst for. Whether as coach, mediation teacher, workshop leader or retreat guide.
Yes, being an autodidact is a form of neurodivergence as you know. It is hard in a world that does not understand different forms of learning. It’s incredibly frustrating for one who learns in this way.
How interesting that ‘coach’ is a protected term in Germany. In the US only ‘psychologist’, ‘ therapist’ avert psychotherapist’ are protected and require licensure. I have more thoughts to share but I’ll reach out directly with them.
Linnea,
“Coach,” as it's used in the U.S., isn’t a protected term—but here in Germany, there’s an even stronger cultural emphasis on diplomas, certificates, proof of learning, proof of knowledge. Just saying, “I can do it, no problem” doesn’t go far.
Even the most basic certifications require time and money I’m simply not willing to invest right now.
So instead, I’m trusting that my journey will lead me—serendipitously—to the places, forks in the road, and moments of alignment that bring me to where I’m truly meant to be.
And more and more, I find myself leaning into that quiet, inner knowing.
I gladly listen to your direct thoughts on a different channel. Thanks.
So helpful, Jay. And written in a way that's easy to grasp and identify with. Thank you.
Julie, I really appreciate that. Making these patterns recognizable—without diluting their depth—matters a lot to me. I’m glad it felt accessible and helpful to you. Thank you for reading with such openness.
Indeed, the pause… Also, for me thanking those aspects that kept me safe, yet are no longer needed as they were. I’ll be revisiting dear Jay. Thank you for your depth of care and thoughtfulness. I’m a forever student, and appreciate new ways of absorbing and living into this earth suit of mine. Xo💜🪶
Joanie, yes—the pause, and the thank you. There’s something deeply respectful in naming what once kept us safe, without needing to hold it forever. I recognize that in what you shared. You call yourself a forever student—I feel that too. These patterns keep teaching me, and sometimes what shifts isn’t the pattern but the way I sit with it.
Glad we’re in this learning together. Xo 💜
I know this is called "I don't need to be fixed" but I think this just fixed me. 😅 In all seriousness, this is a beautifully written essay, friend. You have such grounded insight and wisdom. I gasped several times while reading this- there was so much to recognize here. Thank you for being such a light.
Agreed, so many great reminders about all the ways to stay present. Thank you WLP
Lorraine, thank you. I am glad those reminders resonated. Presence, for me, lives in the returning—each time with a little more gentleness, a little more space. I appreciate you reading with such care and meeting the piece in that spirit.
Kendall, thank you. I am grateful my words found resonance within you. I don’t think anything in us ever needs fixing—only naming, witnessing, context and a lot of re-wilding ourselves. If something in this piece helped something in you settle or come into focus, I’m grateful. Even more so to be walking this kind of work in parallel with you. xoxo Jay
I agree about the “fixing”- I love the term re'-wilding. Really, anything that draws our awareness to return rather than arrival. You do such an amazing job of articulating that here! Also delighted to be doing this work in parallel with you. xoxo
Re-wildering, dearest Kendall is right up your personal alley. You are doing it already. Glad to be in this with you.
Truly.
I kept thinking, yes, yes, and yes.
...reminding me of the choices I've made consciously, broken free of old patterns and shrugged off the old pain in exchange for choice.
Morgan, thank you. I’m grateful and humbled my words resonated with you. I learned to trust these practices over the course of the past almost five years now, and they served me well in my healing. The kind of choice you reflected back—conscious, uncoiled from old patterns—asks presence more than force. It’s slow work, and it leaves traces. I’m glad the piece found you in that space.
Important to keep a spiritual practice as our external world becomes more turbulent. ❤️
Nice to hear from you. I call my practice of meditation and deeper self-awareness and acceptance to be a spiritual journey and by definition it is to me a healing process. Family of origin trauma (daughter of Holocaust refugee) was a source of chaos and confusion when I was younger. Getting much better at the serenity and letting go in my older years.
Maya, I can relate to that. Your words mirror much of what I’ve lived and continue to explore. For me too, the path has been shaped by deep family wounding, and I’ve come to see healing as both a reclamation and a quiet revolution—one small act of care at a time.
I find it comforting to know others, like you, are walking parallel paths—each of us tending to what was once too painful to face, now with more grace. Thank you for sharing your story.
Maya,
I really appreciate what you shared. For me, it’s less a spiritual practice in the traditional sense and more a healing one—something that grew out of necessity. With a history shaped by both chronic, life-altering conditions and those singular, defining moments, I had to find a way back to myself. These practices have become anchors in that process—tools for presence, safety, and quiet repair in the midst of the world’s noise.
Thank you for holding space for this kind of reflection. ❤️
xo Jay
"Because every time I pause instead of perform, stay instead of shut down, soften instead of grip—I reclaim a piece of myself."
Dear Jay, this is one of the most enlightening articles I've read. It is full of wisdom, awareness, both internally and externally and love. It's the daily work. Thank you 🙏🏻 Hope you have a peaceful Memorial Day weekend. ox
Dear Deb,
We don’t observe Memorial Day here in Germany, so I wasn’t even aware of the occasion—thank you for reminding me of the significance it holds. I’m deeply grateful the essay resonated with you. Your words reflect such presence and care, and it means a lot to know it met you where you are. Yes, it is the daily work—moment by moment, breath by breath. Wishing you a gentle weekend, filled with space to pause, stay, and soften.
Jxoxo
Oh geeze! I didn’t realize you lived in Germany! I do think that most countries have their Memorial Days. It’s a deep reminder of loss and how awful war is :(
Moment by moment, breath by breath. This is where I am at. oxox
Deb, yes—there are a few Catholic holidays in November that are official in parts of southern Germany, like All Saints’ Day, but not here in the north. What we don’t have is a national public holiday for remembrance like Memorial Day.
Instead, there are a few designated days of remembrance—like Volkstrauertag, the national day of mourning for the victims of both World Wars, which falls on the third Sunday in November. But it’s more of a civic observance than something widely embraced in everyday life. Politicians give speeches, cemeteries might hold ceremonies—but it doesn’t feel like a collective pause.
There’s also Totensonntag, literally “Sunday of the Dead,” observed mainly by Protestant churches on that same weekend—but again, it’s quiet, more liturgical than public.
Aside from these, we have All Souls’ and All Saints’ Days, which are marked more meaningfully in Catholic regions—but here in the Protestant north, remembrance isn’t built into the public rhythm in the same way. And in terms of religion officially recognized in public life, it’s mostly Catholic, Protestant, Free Church, Jewish, and Muslim communities.
So no—nothing quite like Memorial Day here.
For me, remembrance is always entangled with trauma. I’ve lost four close family members—far too early in their lives, and partly too early in mine. At 58, I’m now the oldest living person in our family line. That’s a strange weight to carry.
For years, I avoided cemeteries unless I absolutely couldn’t. The pain was too raw, too complex. Remembrance didn’t feel like peace—it felt like reopening a wound. It still does, sometimes.
So when these memorial days come around—wherever they are in the world—I meet them gently, if at all. Breath by breath, as you said. That’s the only way I know how.
Holding space for you though.
Thank you for explaining all of these events and things to me Jay. I am so sad to hear how much loss you have endured. To be the oldest living at your age. I can feel this. I understand the carrying of pain deeply. I think true creatives are the most heartfelt, complex and “not-of-this-world” humans. When I say true - I mean we run to it as purpose, life giving, passion and never give up on it. I see this in my husband and in myself which can and has lead to more drama - but wouldn’t trade it for the world. I have also been full of angst and doubt over a God, but then I see all the miracles big and small and I realize that it’s humans that bring that doubt to my head. How religion is used for gain or evil. What is planted in our heart, our uniqueness, our wiring, is truly miraculous. I see so much beauty that has been gifted to us all around and that is how we keep going and living. You are doing a good job at inspiration Jay. Sending you a big hug and much love. ox
Thank you so much, Deb.
I truly cherish your words and deeply recognize that creative, miraculous spirit you speak of. Like you, I also see how much beauty still lives around and within us—how creativity becomes both a refuge and a way through.
And yes, the systems we live in so often rely on binaries: good/bad, right/wrong, powerful/powerless. They function by keeping us divided, by flattening our complexity into roles. Yet, as you so beautifully expressed, we are not the system. We’re human beings. And that gives us the ability to choose—to no longer live by those imposed patterns, to see past the black-and-white scripts and return to something more whole.
Thank you for reminding me of the depth and wonder that lives in that choice.
I can’t agree more. Thank you for this. We are human first and we belong to the moon, sun and stars first and foremost. I tell my youngest granddaughter, “I love you to the moon, stars, sun and back down to earth” - but I know life here on earth is complicated and full of systems. Our job is to create outside of those systems and offer something back up to the universe - or in my case I always say I create for the Creator. An offering for the blessing and wonder of my life. Keep going. You’re a beautiful soul Jay. oxox