“Survival meant keeping my head down”, wow, that is so relatable. For most of my life, survival for me has meant making myself invisible, trying to fade into the background, not wanting to be a nuisance, a pattern I realized is that I apologize for everything, to everyone, I am always “sorry” even when I had nothing to with it. Thank you Jay for sharing this, it is beautiful and a powerful reminder to life up our heads, to be present and to be responsible for our choices, our emotions and our presence. Much love to you!
Samantha, thank you for your response and for sharing how deeply this resonates with you. Your experience of survival through invisibility and constantly apologizing is all too familiar for many of us. But don’t you see the larger pattern here?
Look at what they are trying to do now with all those people they think lowly of, women included. In their opinion, women are meant to fulfill the role their male God has dictated for them, a role rooted in selective interpretations of scripture that have long been used to justify subjugation.
Consider the biblical passages often cited to enforce these roles:
Genesis 2:18-24 tells the story of woman’s creation from Adam’s rib. Many interpret this to mean women are subordinate to men, created as mere “helpers.” Yet the Hebrew word ezer, used for “help,” does not imply inferiority—it’s the same word used to describe God as a helper (e.g., Psalm 121:2, “My help comes from the Lord”). This points to an equal and complementary role, not subservience.
1 Corinthians 11:3-10 declares that “man is the head of woman,” a passage often cited to legitimize male authority. However, this reflects the cultural order of Paul’s time, not a divine hierarchy. Elsewhere, Paul emphasizes mutual submission in Christ (Ephesians 5:21).
1 Timothy 2:11-15 commands women to remain silent and forbids them from teaching or holding authority over men. This instruction was specific to issues in the Ephesian church, likely addressing local problems such as false teachings, and was never meant to be a universal or eternal decree.
Ephesians 5:22-24 instructs women to submit to their husbands, but just before this, Paul writes about mutual submission (verse 21) and calls on men to love their wives sacrificially, as Christ loves the church. This is a far cry from the dominance often implied by selective readings.
These interpretations ignore critical historical and cultural contexts. They reflect the patriarchal societies in which the texts were written but not necessarily the unchanging will of God. Even within the Bible, we see Jesus’ treatment of women as radically different—he elevated them, treated them as equals, and included them in his ministry in ways that defied the norms of his time.
The notion that we must fade into the background to make others shine is not innate to us; it’s something we’ve been conditioned to accept. This conditioning, tied to centuries of systemic oppression, is designed to suppress agency and self-governance, keeping certain groups in positions of submission.
Reclaiming our autonomy means recognizing this pattern for what it is: a tool of control. It is not about simply “lifting our heads”; it’s about actively dismantling these narratives, rejecting the belief that we exist only to serve or support others, and stepping fully into our agency, unapologetically.
Much love to you, Samantha, as we both continue to challenge these patterns and reclaim the space we have always deserved.
Specific to your paragraph about fading into the background, systemic oppression : all of which is rooted in religious and cultural systems, we have been conditioned to believe we are inferior and that we must be well behaved, good women don't do / say etc. I love that poem I mentioned in my letter from Love: When I am an old woman by Jenny Joseph, it represents freedom, letting go of expectations, just living freely, vibrantly, to boldly shout your truth, whatever that is for you, to say it, be it, scream it, dance in it, do it, and just go for it!
Samantha, your words are an incredible reminder of how deep this conditioning runs and how liberating it feels to break free from it. The idea of being “well-behaved,” of conforming to what is deemed “acceptable,” is such a powerful tool of control. It has silenced so many of us, kept us small, and convinced us that our worth lies in how much we comply.
I absolutely love the poem you mentioned, When I am an Old Woman by Jenny Joseph. It’s such a bold declaration of freedom, a reminder that we can reclaim our agency and live vibrantly, unapologetically, no matter where we are on our journey. That freedom to speak, act, and exist as our full, authentic selves is what terrifies those systems of oppression—and it’s exactly why it’s so important to embrace.
Let’s carry that energy with us—to say it, be it, scream it, and live it. Together, we’re dismantling these narratives, one bold, vibrant act at a time. Much love to you! 💜
Love this. All of it. I’ve only recently felt like I’ve acquired authentic agency over my own life. I, too, was raised by narcissistic parents. It certainly took a toll on me. I love the idea of an inner council. Beautiful. And the thought of being able to hire a house philosopher is awfully appealing. I have to muse on this! xoxo
Nan, thank you so much for your lovely words. It means a lot to hear from someone who truly understands the journey away from the patterns of narcissistic parenting and into genuine self-agency. I love that the idea of an inner council resonated with you—it’s such a grounding way to keep ourselves aligned with what we value most.
And I’m tickled at the thought of offering my services as a house-philosopher or even a whimsical weather-frog! Sometimes, having someone around who can spark reflection or gauge the emotional climate can change everything. I’m right here if you ever decide you need that muse to keep your creative winds blowing.
Thank you again for reading and connecting. Keep tending that newfound agency—I have no doubt it will guide you beautifully. xoxo
“Survival meant keeping my head down”, wow, that is so relatable. For most of my life, survival for me has meant making myself invisible, trying to fade into the background, not wanting to be a nuisance, a pattern I realized is that I apologize for everything, to everyone, I am always “sorry” even when I had nothing to with it. Thank you Jay for sharing this, it is beautiful and a powerful reminder to life up our heads, to be present and to be responsible for our choices, our emotions and our presence. Much love to you!
Samantha, thank you for your response and for sharing how deeply this resonates with you. Your experience of survival through invisibility and constantly apologizing is all too familiar for many of us. But don’t you see the larger pattern here?
Look at what they are trying to do now with all those people they think lowly of, women included. In their opinion, women are meant to fulfill the role their male God has dictated for them, a role rooted in selective interpretations of scripture that have long been used to justify subjugation.
Consider the biblical passages often cited to enforce these roles:
Genesis 2:18-24 tells the story of woman’s creation from Adam’s rib. Many interpret this to mean women are subordinate to men, created as mere “helpers.” Yet the Hebrew word ezer, used for “help,” does not imply inferiority—it’s the same word used to describe God as a helper (e.g., Psalm 121:2, “My help comes from the Lord”). This points to an equal and complementary role, not subservience.
1 Corinthians 11:3-10 declares that “man is the head of woman,” a passage often cited to legitimize male authority. However, this reflects the cultural order of Paul’s time, not a divine hierarchy. Elsewhere, Paul emphasizes mutual submission in Christ (Ephesians 5:21).
1 Timothy 2:11-15 commands women to remain silent and forbids them from teaching or holding authority over men. This instruction was specific to issues in the Ephesian church, likely addressing local problems such as false teachings, and was never meant to be a universal or eternal decree.
Ephesians 5:22-24 instructs women to submit to their husbands, but just before this, Paul writes about mutual submission (verse 21) and calls on men to love their wives sacrificially, as Christ loves the church. This is a far cry from the dominance often implied by selective readings.
These interpretations ignore critical historical and cultural contexts. They reflect the patriarchal societies in which the texts were written but not necessarily the unchanging will of God. Even within the Bible, we see Jesus’ treatment of women as radically different—he elevated them, treated them as equals, and included them in his ministry in ways that defied the norms of his time.
The notion that we must fade into the background to make others shine is not innate to us; it’s something we’ve been conditioned to accept. This conditioning, tied to centuries of systemic oppression, is designed to suppress agency and self-governance, keeping certain groups in positions of submission.
Reclaiming our autonomy means recognizing this pattern for what it is: a tool of control. It is not about simply “lifting our heads”; it’s about actively dismantling these narratives, rejecting the belief that we exist only to serve or support others, and stepping fully into our agency, unapologetically.
Much love to you, Samantha, as we both continue to challenge these patterns and reclaim the space we have always deserved.
Specific to your paragraph about fading into the background, systemic oppression : all of which is rooted in religious and cultural systems, we have been conditioned to believe we are inferior and that we must be well behaved, good women don't do / say etc. I love that poem I mentioned in my letter from Love: When I am an old woman by Jenny Joseph, it represents freedom, letting go of expectations, just living freely, vibrantly, to boldly shout your truth, whatever that is for you, to say it, be it, scream it, dance in it, do it, and just go for it!
Samantha, your words are an incredible reminder of how deep this conditioning runs and how liberating it feels to break free from it. The idea of being “well-behaved,” of conforming to what is deemed “acceptable,” is such a powerful tool of control. It has silenced so many of us, kept us small, and convinced us that our worth lies in how much we comply.
I absolutely love the poem you mentioned, When I am an Old Woman by Jenny Joseph. It’s such a bold declaration of freedom, a reminder that we can reclaim our agency and live vibrantly, unapologetically, no matter where we are on our journey. That freedom to speak, act, and exist as our full, authentic selves is what terrifies those systems of oppression—and it’s exactly why it’s so important to embrace.
Let’s carry that energy with us—to say it, be it, scream it, and live it. Together, we’re dismantling these narratives, one bold, vibrant act at a time. Much love to you! 💜
Lovingly written and so very helpful. Thank you, Jay.
Thank you, Gloria. Your words mean so much to me. I'm grateful this resonated with you. 🌟
Love this. All of it. I’ve only recently felt like I’ve acquired authentic agency over my own life. I, too, was raised by narcissistic parents. It certainly took a toll on me. I love the idea of an inner council. Beautiful. And the thought of being able to hire a house philosopher is awfully appealing. I have to muse on this! xoxo
Nan, thank you so much for your lovely words. It means a lot to hear from someone who truly understands the journey away from the patterns of narcissistic parenting and into genuine self-agency. I love that the idea of an inner council resonated with you—it’s such a grounding way to keep ourselves aligned with what we value most.
And I’m tickled at the thought of offering my services as a house-philosopher or even a whimsical weather-frog! Sometimes, having someone around who can spark reflection or gauge the emotional climate can change everything. I’m right here if you ever decide you need that muse to keep your creative winds blowing.
Thank you again for reading and connecting. Keep tending that newfound agency—I have no doubt it will guide you beautifully. xoxo