This is really insightful, Jay, and I am so sorry to hear about the decision handed down to you by a system that does not value you. All of the systems, really. I feel the struggle, and the desperation, and I also feel the hope and the tenacity. I am genuinely hoping that you find a way to live and thrive that does not feel extractive and exhausting and addictive. Thank you for sharing the hard. If I can think of anything at all that might be life-giving and generative by way of a work/life balance that you could reach for, I'll let you know. Sending so much love.
Thank you so much Kendall, I appreciate it. To be clear, I am not looking for full time, more like gigs, projects where my knowledge might be useful. So I can build something meaningful from outside my current system and leave.
Jay, I'm so sorry that the system meant to protect and help did neither for you. I don't know what I can add that hasn't already been said in these lovely comments, except I care. I encourage you to continue to honor yourself, your needs, and goals, in whatever ways you can. We care for you and recognize your extraordinary gifts. xx
p.s. Have you ever considered writing a series of books on Monty's (and friends) adventures? I love your Monty stories and know others would too (and do!)
Susan, thank you so much. Yes, life is what it is. And actually encouragement is what I need most, right now. As for the book, Louise, Reda, Sabrina and others and now you have asked me. I talked to Monty and after some reluctance he agreed to publish his stories eventually. He pointed out that with 50 stories, we might not quite have the body of work we’d need for a book publication on Purr-losophy and catsophy or perhaps even for a series, so we’ll keep collecting for now and work on ideas on how to structure the book.
Susan has an excellent idea, Jay. Your catosopher might become a possible path forward. A children's book about Monty's adventures with his group of friends might be something to explore.
Paul, thank you for your encouragement as well. It seems Monty has gather already quite the fanclub here. Yet please, let’s keep it as a book. Children’s books are not my genre, and illustration is not my métier. To be frank, I am not a big fan of children. 10-15 Minutes is fine.
If Monty and I move forward, we see it more as bringing the collected stories Monty has written to a broader audience and letting the age of that audience sort itself out.
Jay, I am heartbroken for you. I honestly believed you would get SOMETHING. I felt the devastation of receiving this news with you. What is it like to sit with it now? I know when we last spoke, you were feeling that tension of not knowing--of waiting. It is different in some way, now that you have the answer, even if it is not the answer you needed it to be?
What you share so generously speaks into so many layers of humanity. I think of the disability layer every day because of Sarah and all she faces. It's exhausting to be expected to function in an able-bodied society that neither values nor accommodates those who are disabled.
I also think of the health care systems and how they are not designed for either health or care (at least in our case).
I think of the specific time in which we live. I think of what it means to be sensitive in a world that devalues sensitivity. And I think of what it means to live in a gendered society, too.
Knowing you has been such a privilege. I want you to know I deeply cherish your friendship and I am here for you, whatever you need. We can have a conversation soon if you'd like. I'm here.
Jeannie, one part of the not knowing is over. The question I am now sitting with is "And now?" What am I going to do. And there is more underneath my reaction, maybe another not acknowledged biographical disturbance, given my bodies reaction. I feel so much, sadness, anger, frustration, rage, sadness, discourage, kind of unsatisfied (yet I think that more on myself), they system wants me to feel responsible, guilty, obligated, ashamed, I reject all of those, I am also feeling unsettled, uncertain, still a bit overwhelmed. Yet they all are kind of to be expected. I know in my bones that I need now probably most of all some kind of closure with this system that for the last six decades lured me with the carrot of—largely false—promises, getting me to conform, almost to the point of self-sacrifice, and thus trained me to stay put, to comply, to be complacent, and in the end told me one more time, Jay (Judith, Judilie) in no uncertain terms, you must have misunderstood something here, it was never meant that literally. We never meant relational human dignity in that way (anymore). See, you have a choice, you are free not to work, we just do not accept your reasons for it. That's all.
And yet, each and every such situations have ever only been a challenge to me. A challenge to learn and find my way, at last, despite exhaustion and frustration and because, to be honest, I don't want to fight anymore either. And yet I am not giving up. Neither my stubbornness nor my path towards integration and healing. They’ve just made this path a whole lot harder, because now I have to find a solution that combines, so to speak, the healing process with earning a living that’s worth living on. Otherwise, they would have provided me with something. And I am now in the process of figuring out with options are a no go, a maybe, a probably, possible, aspirational, a dream come true. It will take a bit of time to get there. A lot self-reflection and I hope as in the past, my coach will help me shed light into the current dusk.I know you're very busy right now because of the current school break, but I appreciate your offer and may get back to you about it later. For now, I'm all set.
Thanks for elaborating on this, Jay. I can absolutely understand that range of emotions you mentioned (I find it interesting you wrote “sadness” twice). From my end, it is confusing to hear that the rejection was based on the system’s belief that you are free not to work, but that it’s a choice on your part and that they think you are able to work in the traditional, conventional sense of the word, and therefore…
When you and I last spoke, I remember you mentioning the “What now?” question once you got the decision about your pension application. And now you’re at that point. I’m glad to hear you have your coach and the way you are processing this in a manner that it helpful and meaningful to you.
Wholeheartedly I agree about rejecting what the systemic underpinning would have you believe about yourself.
My invitation to Zoom is always here for you. My schedule will be much freer come mid-August. Until then, I’m here as your friend. I’m in your corner.
Jeannie, I have it in writing: I am healthy enough to work full-time, effective immediately.
This led to a collective jaw-drop from every single therapist who has moved alongside me for up to six years. They could barely believe the decision either. And yet here it is. Welcome to libertarian Germany after all. I went to an ordered assessment lasting 20 minutes in total. My psychiatrist called it unbelievable and faulty. Still, the written document apparently stays within the formal boundaries, with no official issue attached to it. I believe the decision to send me back to work is political rather than medical. Pension is on the chopping block under Chancellor Merz this year, especially early access to it, as well as pension levels in general. To be fair, I feared this outcome might happen. Having felt the
Damocles sword over my head sind the beginning. Then my psychiatrist told me, given my diagnosis, the earlier assessment, and the rehab I had to leave early, it was unlikely. Well. We see he was wrong. My own reading of this system had been quite accurate. I hoped for another outcome, and when he jumped into my corner, I believed him. When I saw him on Tuesday, his jaw dropped too. He told me he was speechless and had seen nothing like this in the 1.5 years since opening his own practice. Which tells you something about changing times in Germany as well. The climate grows colder by the minute. The actual temperature of 55°F merely joins the chorus.
Jay, All I can say is that your writing deserves a larger audience to be inspired by your wisdom. I see you being paid generously for it.
I bear witness to your suffering and am in awe of how you weave it so eloquently. The depth of your insights and the gift of your words are a healing balm for those experiencing similar circumstances.
Let us hold your intentions in our heart. Abundant supply of good to have all of your needs met with ease and grace. Freedom. Flexibility. Creativity. Your gifts honored and reciprocated in the energy exchange of Source. Whatever that amount is that is necessary for life. I affirm it for you now.
Hold in your heart what it is you truly desire and accept. It is a process and this is part of the journey. You will emerge stronger, clearer, and abundantly blessed. You may not see it now, but let us hold your vision into perfect manifestation.
Your Higher Self is guiding you in a new direction. It can feel scary but just take it one breath, one step at a time.
Veronica, I am speechless after reading your words. The tears your words produced veil the sight of the screen. I am very touched and moved by them. Thank you so much. It was a blow and in the end it will bring me again more clarity for it. I also feel quite a lot of grief beside the occasionally bubbling rage and it made my resolve stronger to at least try to articulate what I pieced together on how I and in a way we got here. If you have nothing to lose any longer, you can anyway only win. I cherish you. Thank you so much, Veronica.
Honor your emotions. Allow them to flow, the river of Grace will hold you.
Thank you for your exquisite sharing. I continue to know best and Highest GOOD that is in alignment with your vision for your life. Have a beautiful day, Jay.
Jay, this is excellent analysis. Your capacity document (under the link how to work with me) is absolutely fantastic and a prime example of the output your systems thinking.
As someone navigating the US and private disability systems, having attempted multiple times to return to full time on-site work, I appreciated reading your perspective on freedom v. dependence
Anne, thank you. I am so sorry you have to navigate a system far less supportive than most EU systems. It sounds exhausting.
My whole body reacts to many German conversations, even outside work, so I struggle to imagine what my body would do in an on-site job here. I know my knowledge and experience can serve many people, and I see a path outside the formal German system. I want to leave. I can move freely within the EU, and I am looking for freelance and contract work in any field where my skills fit.
I am glad you found something in my words that spoke to you and touched you. That is what I always hope my words can do.
Jay, others have said it so much better than I could. The final decision was wrong. Bean counters doing a life-altering surgery. Yet you have it in you to overcome this. You can.
Not sure, I’ll try to bring it to the general public. I don’t know if I’ll be successful. At least I tried it. It is challenging because I need to create a whole campaign for it.
Louise, I am at least trying with all my might and every single measure my country is providing me with to try the right the wrong, that is so much more profound, as I have by now researched, than when I wrote that. I am building a whole campaign around it. My very own little Quest for Justice
Derek, thank you for this close reading. I appreciate you. And Thank you for pointing toward the vulnerability. You have obviously been there too, I can feel that from your writing here. And yes I agree that the self-sufficient individual is the most vulnerable. And I have found clarity, clear seeing, accepting the moment as is without adding my story or narrative to it, has brought me the most relief in the recent years. From there, from that clarity I usually found agency. Hope is more like the underlying necessity. Without faith in hope, I might have ended my life several times by now.
“Liking” this post seems wrong somehow, since you share the financial and emotional struggles you are facing. I wish better for you, my friend, than the crumbs a broken system offers.
Writing is one tool that saw me through the worst time of my life; music was another. Both are still essential to my wellbeing. Time in nature also calms my anxious mind when nothing else can. An added bonus: all of these activities are free and readily available.
I’m glad we got to talk via Zoom yesterday. Hang in there. You’ve worked so hard to heal as much as you have and to find ways to escape an exploitative system and create the life you want and deserve. The path to true freedom will probably have some dead ends and unwanted detours, but you are strong enough to keep walking it.
Wendi, I'm still reflecting on our wonderful conversation from Sunday. It really helped me sort through all my jumbled thoughts from so many directions. And I agree 100% to writing as a saviour. I would never have been able to pay for over 50,000 hours in self-reflection as therapy in the past six years. And yes, Wendi, I agree as well the like with every new path I might encounter some dead ends and have to sometimes take the long paths to arrive at the next destination. I am still hopeful to arrive somewhere that feels forward instead of backward. I appreciate you. Thank you for reading und commenting.
I remember reading your previous posts regarding the fight to secure disability rights and benefits. So, they've made their decision. I'm sorry this happened, Jay. We've seen a lot of this happen since the sub-prime blowout and meltdown of 2008. And we're seeing more of it now, at least in the U.S. where government services designed to assist people are being erased, taking many of the people with them.
Paul, thank you so much. Yeah, Germany is further along on its libertarian crusade as we all thought. American system after 2.5 years. Well, not totally as our Constitutional courts made sure we still get the existential minimum, yet nothing else, at least for now. Every single person I have spoken to here is totally shocked, especially as they all moved alongside me for 2-4 years on a regular basis and say, that cannot be. And still it is. I will find a way to move forward with my life, somehow. How that will look. I don’t know yet. Thank you for caring, reading and commenting. It means a lot to me.
I am really sorry to hear that. Disablity is a hard thing to get. Go to your sentator. It never works out well. It took me a while to get my retirement benefits. Life is hard, we move on. I hope you find what you are looking for.
Rebecca, I life in Germany, the German state pension office has spoken and made their decision. It is final in writing and there is no appeal possible. Thank you for your reading and your kind comment. xo Jay
This is really insightful, Jay, and I am so sorry to hear about the decision handed down to you by a system that does not value you. All of the systems, really. I feel the struggle, and the desperation, and I also feel the hope and the tenacity. I am genuinely hoping that you find a way to live and thrive that does not feel extractive and exhausting and addictive. Thank you for sharing the hard. If I can think of anything at all that might be life-giving and generative by way of a work/life balance that you could reach for, I'll let you know. Sending so much love.
Thank you so much Kendall, I appreciate it. To be clear, I am not looking for full time, more like gigs, projects where my knowledge might be useful. So I can build something meaningful from outside my current system and leave.
Jay, I'm so sorry that the system meant to protect and help did neither for you. I don't know what I can add that hasn't already been said in these lovely comments, except I care. I encourage you to continue to honor yourself, your needs, and goals, in whatever ways you can. We care for you and recognize your extraordinary gifts. xx
p.s. Have you ever considered writing a series of books on Monty's (and friends) adventures? I love your Monty stories and know others would too (and do!)
Susan, thank you so much. Yes, life is what it is. And actually encouragement is what I need most, right now. As for the book, Louise, Reda, Sabrina and others and now you have asked me. I talked to Monty and after some reluctance he agreed to publish his stories eventually. He pointed out that with 50 stories, we might not quite have the body of work we’d need for a book publication on Purr-losophy and catsophy or perhaps even for a series, so we’ll keep collecting for now and work on ideas on how to structure the book.
Susan has an excellent idea, Jay. Your catosopher might become a possible path forward. A children's book about Monty's adventures with his group of friends might be something to explore.
Paul, thank you for your encouragement as well. It seems Monty has gather already quite the fanclub here. Yet please, let’s keep it as a book. Children’s books are not my genre, and illustration is not my métier. To be frank, I am not a big fan of children. 10-15 Minutes is fine.
If Monty and I move forward, we see it more as bringing the collected stories Monty has written to a broader audience and letting the age of that audience sort itself out.
Excellent idea.
Jay, I am heartbroken for you. I honestly believed you would get SOMETHING. I felt the devastation of receiving this news with you. What is it like to sit with it now? I know when we last spoke, you were feeling that tension of not knowing--of waiting. It is different in some way, now that you have the answer, even if it is not the answer you needed it to be?
What you share so generously speaks into so many layers of humanity. I think of the disability layer every day because of Sarah and all she faces. It's exhausting to be expected to function in an able-bodied society that neither values nor accommodates those who are disabled.
I also think of the health care systems and how they are not designed for either health or care (at least in our case).
I think of the specific time in which we live. I think of what it means to be sensitive in a world that devalues sensitivity. And I think of what it means to live in a gendered society, too.
Knowing you has been such a privilege. I want you to know I deeply cherish your friendship and I am here for you, whatever you need. We can have a conversation soon if you'd like. I'm here.
Jeannie, one part of the not knowing is over. The question I am now sitting with is "And now?" What am I going to do. And there is more underneath my reaction, maybe another not acknowledged biographical disturbance, given my bodies reaction. I feel so much, sadness, anger, frustration, rage, sadness, discourage, kind of unsatisfied (yet I think that more on myself), they system wants me to feel responsible, guilty, obligated, ashamed, I reject all of those, I am also feeling unsettled, uncertain, still a bit overwhelmed. Yet they all are kind of to be expected. I know in my bones that I need now probably most of all some kind of closure with this system that for the last six decades lured me with the carrot of—largely false—promises, getting me to conform, almost to the point of self-sacrifice, and thus trained me to stay put, to comply, to be complacent, and in the end told me one more time, Jay (Judith, Judilie) in no uncertain terms, you must have misunderstood something here, it was never meant that literally. We never meant relational human dignity in that way (anymore). See, you have a choice, you are free not to work, we just do not accept your reasons for it. That's all.
And yet, each and every such situations have ever only been a challenge to me. A challenge to learn and find my way, at last, despite exhaustion and frustration and because, to be honest, I don't want to fight anymore either. And yet I am not giving up. Neither my stubbornness nor my path towards integration and healing. They’ve just made this path a whole lot harder, because now I have to find a solution that combines, so to speak, the healing process with earning a living that’s worth living on. Otherwise, they would have provided me with something. And I am now in the process of figuring out with options are a no go, a maybe, a probably, possible, aspirational, a dream come true. It will take a bit of time to get there. A lot self-reflection and I hope as in the past, my coach will help me shed light into the current dusk.I know you're very busy right now because of the current school break, but I appreciate your offer and may get back to you about it later. For now, I'm all set.
Thanks for elaborating on this, Jay. I can absolutely understand that range of emotions you mentioned (I find it interesting you wrote “sadness” twice). From my end, it is confusing to hear that the rejection was based on the system’s belief that you are free not to work, but that it’s a choice on your part and that they think you are able to work in the traditional, conventional sense of the word, and therefore…
When you and I last spoke, I remember you mentioning the “What now?” question once you got the decision about your pension application. And now you’re at that point. I’m glad to hear you have your coach and the way you are processing this in a manner that it helpful and meaningful to you.
Wholeheartedly I agree about rejecting what the systemic underpinning would have you believe about yourself.
My invitation to Zoom is always here for you. My schedule will be much freer come mid-August. Until then, I’m here as your friend. I’m in your corner.
Jeannie, I have it in writing: I am healthy enough to work full-time, effective immediately.
This led to a collective jaw-drop from every single therapist who has moved alongside me for up to six years. They could barely believe the decision either. And yet here it is. Welcome to libertarian Germany after all. I went to an ordered assessment lasting 20 minutes in total. My psychiatrist called it unbelievable and faulty. Still, the written document apparently stays within the formal boundaries, with no official issue attached to it. I believe the decision to send me back to work is political rather than medical. Pension is on the chopping block under Chancellor Merz this year, especially early access to it, as well as pension levels in general. To be fair, I feared this outcome might happen. Having felt the
Damocles sword over my head sind the beginning. Then my psychiatrist told me, given my diagnosis, the earlier assessment, and the rehab I had to leave early, it was unlikely. Well. We see he was wrong. My own reading of this system had been quite accurate. I hoped for another outcome, and when he jumped into my corner, I believed him. When I saw him on Tuesday, his jaw dropped too. He told me he was speechless and had seen nothing like this in the 1.5 years since opening his own practice. Which tells you something about changing times in Germany as well. The climate grows colder by the minute. The actual temperature of 55°F merely joins the chorus.
Jay, All I can say is that your writing deserves a larger audience to be inspired by your wisdom. I see you being paid generously for it.
I bear witness to your suffering and am in awe of how you weave it so eloquently. The depth of your insights and the gift of your words are a healing balm for those experiencing similar circumstances.
Let us hold your intentions in our heart. Abundant supply of good to have all of your needs met with ease and grace. Freedom. Flexibility. Creativity. Your gifts honored and reciprocated in the energy exchange of Source. Whatever that amount is that is necessary for life. I affirm it for you now.
Hold in your heart what it is you truly desire and accept. It is a process and this is part of the journey. You will emerge stronger, clearer, and abundantly blessed. You may not see it now, but let us hold your vision into perfect manifestation.
Your Higher Self is guiding you in a new direction. It can feel scary but just take it one breath, one step at a time.
You are blessed.
You are a blessing.
Hugs. Veronica
Veronica, I am speechless after reading your words. The tears your words produced veil the sight of the screen. I am very touched and moved by them. Thank you so much. It was a blow and in the end it will bring me again more clarity for it. I also feel quite a lot of grief beside the occasionally bubbling rage and it made my resolve stronger to at least try to articulate what I pieced together on how I and in a way we got here. If you have nothing to lose any longer, you can anyway only win. I cherish you. Thank you so much, Veronica.
Honor your emotions. Allow them to flow, the river of Grace will hold you.
Thank you for your exquisite sharing. I continue to know best and Highest GOOD that is in alignment with your vision for your life. Have a beautiful day, Jay.
Jay, this is excellent analysis. Your capacity document (under the link how to work with me) is absolutely fantastic and a prime example of the output your systems thinking.
As someone navigating the US and private disability systems, having attempted multiple times to return to full time on-site work, I appreciated reading your perspective on freedom v. dependence
Anne, thank you. I am so sorry you have to navigate a system far less supportive than most EU systems. It sounds exhausting.
My whole body reacts to many German conversations, even outside work, so I struggle to imagine what my body would do in an on-site job here. I know my knowledge and experience can serve many people, and I see a path outside the formal German system. I want to leave. I can move freely within the EU, and I am looking for freelance and contract work in any field where my skills fit.
I am glad you found something in my words that spoke to you and touched you. That is what I always hope my words can do.
Jay, others have said it so much better than I could. The final decision was wrong. Bean counters doing a life-altering surgery. Yet you have it in you to overcome this. You can.
Not sure, I’ll try to bring it to the general public. I don’t know if I’ll be successful. At least I tried it. It is challenging because I need to create a whole campaign for it.
Good luck, Jay!
Thank you, Louise. Can Need it.
Louise, I am at least trying with all my might and every single measure my country is providing me with to try the right the wrong, that is so much more profound, as I have by now researched, than when I wrote that. I am building a whole campaign around it. My very own little Quest for Justice
Yes! Can you find allies where you are?!
That line, the invisible contract reading "I carry everything, so something carries me," that one sat with me.
You named something most of us never get words for.
The work addiction and the approval-seeking run the same wire. You figured that out the hard way, which means it's actually yours now.
The Milpa image is the most hopeful thing in this piece. Interdependence that flows both ways, every element giving and receiving freely.
That's what I keep coming back to in the ancient texts too. The self-sufficient person is actually the most fragile thing in the room.
Derek, thank you for this close reading. I appreciate you. And Thank you for pointing toward the vulnerability. You have obviously been there too, I can feel that from your writing here. And yes I agree that the self-sufficient individual is the most vulnerable. And I have found clarity, clear seeing, accepting the moment as is without adding my story or narrative to it, has brought me the most relief in the recent years. From there, from that clarity I usually found agency. Hope is more like the underlying necessity. Without faith in hope, I might have ended my life several times by now.
“Liking” this post seems wrong somehow, since you share the financial and emotional struggles you are facing. I wish better for you, my friend, than the crumbs a broken system offers.
Writing is one tool that saw me through the worst time of my life; music was another. Both are still essential to my wellbeing. Time in nature also calms my anxious mind when nothing else can. An added bonus: all of these activities are free and readily available.
I’m glad we got to talk via Zoom yesterday. Hang in there. You’ve worked so hard to heal as much as you have and to find ways to escape an exploitative system and create the life you want and deserve. The path to true freedom will probably have some dead ends and unwanted detours, but you are strong enough to keep walking it.
Wendi, I'm still reflecting on our wonderful conversation from Sunday. It really helped me sort through all my jumbled thoughts from so many directions. And I agree 100% to writing as a saviour. I would never have been able to pay for over 50,000 hours in self-reflection as therapy in the past six years. And yes, Wendi, I agree as well the like with every new path I might encounter some dead ends and have to sometimes take the long paths to arrive at the next destination. I am still hopeful to arrive somewhere that feels forward instead of backward. I appreciate you. Thank you for reading und commenting.
I remember reading your previous posts regarding the fight to secure disability rights and benefits. So, they've made their decision. I'm sorry this happened, Jay. We've seen a lot of this happen since the sub-prime blowout and meltdown of 2008. And we're seeing more of it now, at least in the U.S. where government services designed to assist people are being erased, taking many of the people with them.
Paul, thank you so much. Yeah, Germany is further along on its libertarian crusade as we all thought. American system after 2.5 years. Well, not totally as our Constitutional courts made sure we still get the existential minimum, yet nothing else, at least for now. Every single person I have spoken to here is totally shocked, especially as they all moved alongside me for 2-4 years on a regular basis and say, that cannot be. And still it is. I will find a way to move forward with my life, somehow. How that will look. I don’t know yet. Thank you for caring, reading and commenting. It means a lot to me.
I am really sorry to hear that. Disablity is a hard thing to get. Go to your sentator. It never works out well. It took me a while to get my retirement benefits. Life is hard, we move on. I hope you find what you are looking for.
Rebecca, I life in Germany, the German state pension office has spoken and made their decision. It is final in writing and there is no appeal possible. Thank you for your reading and your kind comment. xo Jay